Family Guy JT: Season 3
by Grand Tome Publishing
Summary: Season 3 sees the return of America's most outrageous animated family (and duo) with 21 new episodes. In this hilarious season, the Griffin family faces all new dilemmas, including Brian's unintentional foray into directing porn, Stewie's rants on national TV, a love triangle between Ub, Meg and a nudist and Lois's Yuletide insanity. Cover by Family Guy Fan writer 15.
1. The Thin White Line

**Chapter 1: The Thin White Line Between Sanity and Madness**

 **Opening Credits**

 _It seems today that all ya see_

 _Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

 _But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

 _On which we used to rely_

 _Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

 _Lucky there's a man who_

 _Positively can do_

 _All the things that make us_

 _Laugh n' Cry_

 _He's_

 _a_

 _Fam_

 _-ily_

 _Guy!_

 **End**

The episode starts with Brian having a session with Dr. Kaplan, who was taking notes.

"*sighs* I'm-I'm in a rut." Brian sighed and confessed. "Nothing thrills me anymore. I-I mean, I-I-I can't even think of a reason to get off the bed in the morning."

"Really?" Dr. Kaplan asked.

"You want to know how pathetic my life is? I've-I've seen that _Behind the Music_ with Leif Garret 18 times." Brian told Dr. Kaplan.

 **Cutaway #1**

It showed Brian slouching on the couch with a martini in his hand as he watched said program on VH1, which featured Leif Garret and a friend of his, who was in a wheelchair.

"Hey, uh, hey, Leif. It's been a while." The man greeted Leif Garret.

"Too long, man." Leif remarked.

It then showed Brian lip-synching what the two actors were saying.

"I'm so sorry about everything, man. I'm so-"

"You ready for a bombshell? You saved my life that night."

"But-But I was the one driving. I-"

"I was on a road to destruction, man. The accident may have crippled me, but I'm alive, aren't I?"

"Can we turn off the cameras, dude?"

 **End**

"It's-It's like I'm...I don't know, trapped in my own life." Brian told Dr. Kaplan.

"Well, Brian, you may be too inwardly focused. Try thinking about the needs of others for a change. Why don't you do some volunteer work?" Dr. Kaplan suggested to Brian.

"Huh, that makes sense." Brian said seeing Dr. Kaplan's point. "Volunteer work. Thanks, Bruce."

Brian then tried to leave.

"You still have 13 more minutes." Dr. Kaplan informed Brian checking his watch.

"Oh." Brian said sitting back onto the small couch. "Do I? Hmm... I. uh, I noticed you got a new receptionist. Heh. Nice little body on her, huh?"

"That's my daughter." Dr. Kaplan informed Brian, though he didn't seem too mad about it.

There was a moment of awkward silence between the two.

"Well, we could probably call this an early day, huh?" Brian nonchalantly suggested.

Elsewhere, at the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory, Peter and the other workers were having lunch when Mr. Weed stepped in.

"Attention, everyone." Mr. Weed called out to everyone in the cafeteria, getting their attention. "Due to several complaints and two deaths related to worker fatigue, I have decided to throw a company picnic this Saturday."

It then showed Peter at a table with a couple other workers.

"Hey, Derek. How-How are you gettin' to the picnic?" Peter asked a worker, who had a mustache and was wearing a blue shirt.

"I don't know. I don't have a ride." Derek told Peter.

"Hey, John, you got a two-seater, don't ya?" Peter asked another worker.

"Hey, Derek, maybe-maybe you can go with John, huh?" Peter suggested to Derek.

"*sighed and rose from his seat* For the last time, I'm not gay!" Derek reminded Peter, implying this wasn't the first time before he left.

"Thanks, anyway, Peter." John thanked Peter.

"Hey, we'll get him." Peter reassured.

Brian, meanwhile, was doing some volunteer work. His first being as a guide dog for a blind man.

"Here. Ri-Right this way." Brian said to the man leading him into a movie theater. "Watch your step." Brian then helped let him in.

They were in their seats, watching the movie.

"Okay, they're-they're in the woods." Brian informed the blind man about what was going on in the movie. "The camera keeps on moving. Uh, I think they're-they're looking for some witch or something. I-I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over." Brian looked around him. "A lot of people in the audience look pissed."

We cut to Saturday where the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory was having their company picnic. It then showed Meg and Chris participating in a three-legged race.

"Now, remember, Chris, we have to work together, so that our steps-" Meg instructed Chris about the race when Chris suddenly started running before the race started dragging Meg by her ankle as she screamed while being knocked around.

Meg's screaming caught Ub's attention where he was with Friz, Lois and Stewie. Ub gasped at Meg's predicament and immediately rushed over to her aid as he untied the rope around her and Chris' ankles and held her in his arms.

"Meg! Are you okay?! Speak to me!" Ub shouted to Meg, who was unconscious due to being knocked around on the ground.

She moaned from all the pain she felt all over her body and then regained consciousness, to Ub's relief.

"Oh, thank God!" Ub exclaimed smothering Meg in his arms, accidentally crushing her before he realized what he was doing wrong and stopped. "Sorry!"

Elsewhere at the picnic, Peter and a couple other workers were getting ready for a special event, in which it involved a man in just his underwear, covered in what appeared to be grease and was in a cage.

"Ah, this is my favorite event: 'Catch the Greased-Up Deaf Guy'." Peter said in excitement.

"Go!" Mr. Weed exclaimed lifting the Greased-Up Deaf Guy's cage, letting him free.

"You're never gonna catch me!" The Greased-Up Deaf Guy taunted the contestants, who chased after him. "You're wasting your time! Forget about it! Go do something else!"

Peter caught up close to the Greased-Up Deaf Guy and tried tackling him, but the latter slipped out of his grasp thanks to the grease all over his body.

"See you all next year!" The Greased-Up Deaf Guy said to everyone at the picnic greeting them all goodbye as he ran off into the woods.

Back to Brian, he was now at a retirement home called "Shady Farm Nursing Home" where he was playing checkers with a bedridden elderly woman.

"King me." Brian said winning the game.

"I don't want to play anymore." The woman said gloomly. "The pain. I can't live like this, Brian. I need you to pull the plug."

She pointed to the plug to her life support system, indicating she was suicidal, to Brian's horror.

"W-Whu- I-I-I can't-" Brian said not willing to go through with the deed.

"Be my angel and set me free. Please?" The woman slowly begged Brian.

Without any more convincing, Brian stepped over to the plug. After a moment of hesitation, he finally unplugged it. As Brian developed tears, he soon heard something from behind.

"Free meee..." A spiritual voice cried from behind Brian.

"Free meeee..." The voice cried again, this time getting louder.

Brian finally turned around.

"FREE MEEEEE!" The voice was revealed to be from a rotted corpse in a straightjacket where its eyeholes were illuminating the yellow aura from last season.

Brian screamed in horror as he covered his eyes from what was in front of him.

However, to his shock and confusion, he found the woman back in her bed still alive and well, shown to be in a good mood.

"Oh, drat. It looks like you beat me." The woman said accepting her loss at checkers.

He went back to the plug and found it still plugged in, even though he unplugged it about a few seconds ago.

Brian was going to ask how she survived, but decided not to seeing it would be pointless and would make him look crazy. With that in mind, Brian is unsure whether what earlier was real or not.

Back at the picnic, Mr. Weed stepped on stage to make an announcement.

"The winner of our final contest will receive a very special prize: a week's paid vacation!" Mr. Weed informed the contestants as everyone cheered.

"Did you hear that?" Peter asked Lois, who had Stewie in his arms. "Oh, God, ple-please let it be farting. Please let it be a fart contest."

"These are tranquilizer darts." Mr. Weed explained now having a tranquilizer gun in his hands and loaded it. "I have enough here to take down Robert Downey Jr. *laughs* Robert Downey..." However, the crowd didn't seem to get his joke. "Yes, well, the last one left standing wins. Let the game begin!"

Upon realizing what will happen now, the workers then ran from Mr. Weed both in fear and determination to win the paid vacation. But mostly, it was fear.

The family cheered Peter on while Ub and Friz were instead bothered by the fact that Peter was being hunted down like an animal as Peter ran into the woods.

"Look at him! He runs like a Welshman!" Stewie remarked on Peter's running. "Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?"

"A what?" Ub and Friz asked in unison not knowing what Stewie was talking about.

Brian was back at the Griffin house.

"Hey there, Brian." Joe greeted Brian while he was getting mail whilst in his police uniform.

"Hi, Joe." Brian greeted back before he picked up a scent. "Hey, Bonnie making Chicken Marsala tonight?"

"No, she made that three nights ago." Joe said showing to be a bit surprised about how Brian knew that and still managed to pick up the meal's scent. "Wow, that's some nose you got!"

"Yeah. One time, it almost got me a spokesman deal." Brian said.

 **Cutaway #2**

That 'spokesman deal' Brian mentioned was actually a role as a cereal mascot. He was in a waiting room reading his script where sitting next to him was an anthromorphic toucan bird in a Hawaiian shirt also auditioning for the role.

"'Follow your nose'. 'Follow your nose'. 'Follow your nose'." The toucan read out loud improvising his line, in which made Brian chuckle. The toucan turned to Brian in confusion.

"Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Uh-No, that was good." Brian apologized. "I-I just-I didn't think you were gonna go so cartoony with it."

"Well, how-how-how would you read it?" The toucan asked.

"Oh, I-I don't know. I was thinking of doing it, you know, good, like-like an actor." Brian replied. "But, you know, your-your way's good, too."

They went back to reading their scripts.

 **End**

"You know, we could use a nose like that down at the precinct." Joe offered.

"Really?" Brian asked where his tail wagged in excitement.

Meanwhile, back at the picnic, Peter and another worker were running from Mr. Weed and stopped to catch their breathe.

"I guess it's just down to you and me, Peter." Peter's co-worker said to him, which revealed he had been shot with numerous darts on his back with no effect. "One of us is gonna win that paid vacation."

"Eh, I don't want to feed Grandma bacon while she's in the bathtub." Peter said as it showed the tranquilizer was making him delirious.

"Peter, are you okay?" The co-worker asked Peter.

However, their break was cut short when Mr. Weed found them in a quad bike and aimed his rifle at the two remaining contestants. Peter and his co-worker ran from Mr. Weed as he fired a dart at Peter's right butt cheek. The co-worker had previously jumped into the bush when Weed fired the dart at Peter, but stepped out to check on Peter.

"Mr. Weed, I think Peter needs a doc-" The co-worker almost informed Mr. Weed, but the latter instead shot the former in the chest, knocking him out.

Mr. Weed then jumped out of his quad bike and ran over to Peter. "We have a winner!" Mr. Weed then declared.

"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty..." Peter then said before he finally passed out.

Brian was then working in his new job as a detection dog for the Quahog Police Department at the airport.

"No drugs. She's good. He's clean." Brian said identifying the scent from the passengers coming out of the plane.

"Well, it looks like that's it, except for the flight crew." Joe said.

"He-ey, Brian. What's with the Johnny Law routine?" Quagmire passed by with two stewardesses and greeted Brian.

"Say hello to our new narc." Joe told Quagmire. "He's a natural."

"Oh, yeah? Well, how good are ya?" Quagmire asked Brian wanting to see Brian's ability.

Brian took four whiffs at Quagmire's crotch. "You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. Then you made love to two Filipino women..." Brian said somehow being able to identify what Quagmire had done earlier before he took another sniff at the crotch. "...And a man."

"You mean three Filipino women." Quagmire stated believing Brian got it wrong, but Brian didn't budge as Quagmire's face sank into despair and he ran away while screaming no.

Suddenly, Brian's nose started to pick up something.

"Wait a second, got something." Brian said tracking down the scent with the other members of the force behind him. He surveyed the area for anything suspicious when he spotted a male passenger holding a briefcase, which Brian assumed was where the scent was coming from as he dashed toward the man.

"This could be the real deal, boys!" Joe said to the other cops. "Let's do it!" Joe and the other cops also dahsed for the supposed drug dealer.

Brian noticed that Joe's wheelchair was giving him more speed and used a nearby baggage cart as a scooter to catch up to the crook.

Brian and Joe held each other's hand to act as a pole to knock the criminal to the floor.

"Don't move, dirtbag!" Joe ordered pointing his gun at the man.

Brian searched the man's briefcase, which confirmed his suspicions as it contained cocaine, which Brian accidentally got some on his nose.

"It's coke! Yes! All right, we got him!" Brian cheered. "This is great! Ah, this is the rush I've looking for!"

"Good work, Brian." Joe congratulated Brian. "Uh, you still got a little, uh..." Joe tapped his nose.

Brian checked his nose and found it had coke on it. "Oh. Oh, thanks." Brian wiped off most of the coke off the surface of his nose and took a big whiff to be sure. He soon twitched as a result.

The next day, the family (except Brian and Meg) were at the table in the kitchen where Chris was eating eggs, Stewie was sipping his bottle and Peter and Lois were looking at some pamphlets of locations for their vacation.

"So, Peter, where should we go for your week off?" Lois asked Peter.

"Well, I-I-I was thinking we could all go to Purgatory, like we did last year." Peter suggested holding up a pamphlet for Purgatory.

 **Cutaway #3**

The Griffins were all floating in an empty white void, presumably what they believe to be Purgatory.

"This isn't bad. It's not that good, but, eh, it's not that bad." Lois said commenting on what Purgatory looks like.

"It's so-so." Brian commented.

"Eh, more or less." Peter said.

 **End**

Brian walked into the kitchen and joined them.

"Hey-Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage?" Peter jokingly asked Brian.

"Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that?" Brian then asked pouring himself some coffee.

"Eh, I got to bed around 2:00, 2:30." Peter then said stirring his coffee.

"You know what Joe said what the street value of that cocaine would've been?" Brian asked Peter and Lois.

"Huh, let's see. Four and a half kilos uncut Nicaraguan. Uh, $1.7 mill that area?" Lois calculated the worth of the cocaine and then guessed.

Lois' knowledge of that surprised both Brian, Ub and Friz.

"Uh, yeah..." Brian replied still dumbfounded by what Lois said. "That's...That's-That's right..."

Ub and Friz wanted to question Lois about how she would know that, but then Meg stepped into the room with a newspaper.

"You guys! Brian's famous!" Meg informed everyone, showing them the article of the paper. The front line read "Dog Hero" with a picture of Brian waving to a crowd of people whilst in a parade.

The family congratulated Brian on his accomplishment.

"You're a hero!" Lois congratulated Brian.

"Way to go, pal!" Peter congratulated Brian also.

"You're the man, Brian!" Ub also congratulated Brian.

"Oh, come on. Stop it, you guys. It's-It's nothing, really." Brian said to the family not wanting to take all the credit when he made a whiff. "Oh, Lois, your toast is ready."

Soon after he said that, some toast popped out of the toaster.

"Well..." Lois remarked impressed as the family applauded for Brian's skills.

"Uh, Meg's using a new conditioner." Brian then stated.

"He's right!" Meg exclaimed delightfully impressed, making everyone clap for him once more.

"How do you like that?" Peter said among the applause.

"That's amazing!" Meg said once more.

"And it's time to change Stewie." Brian guessed again.

"Well, that's preposterous. I haven't- Oh, there it is..." Stewie then said.

The family gave out another applause for Brian.

Later, Brian and Joe were on patrol through downtown. Brian then picked up something in the air.

"Stop the car!" Brian ordered Joe, who was the driver and did what Brian said. "Over there!" Brian was pointing directly at a sunday school.

They entered the building and busted into a room where they aimed their guns at whoever was inside.

"Everybody, freeze! This is a bust!" Brian ordered.

It then showed a nun teaching children.

"Uh, Brian, this is a Sunday school class." Joe pointed out feeling embarassed.

"The hell it is!" Brian said otherwise walking over to the chalkboard and clapped two erasers together. "Pure Bogota bullion. This is a drug ring."

"But these are just kids." Joe said feeling a bit skeptical to Brian's beliefs.

"Oh, yeah?" Brian asked stepping over to one of the children. "What's your name?"

"Ricky." The 'child' answered revealing his voice was way older than his age.

"They're not kids, they're midgets!" Brian said walking over to a poster of Jesus dressed in a leather jacket, blue jeans, white shirt, sneakers, shades and a yellow baseball cap backwards and was giving a thumbs up while it read 'It's Cool to Love Jesus' on the wall. "Filthy, drug-peddling midgets!"

Brian then tore off the poster to reveal it to be hiding a secret warehouse showing a couple of other midgets handling the drugs.

"Oh, my God!" Joe exclaimed at this revelation as one of the midgets tried to attack Brian. "Look out, Brian!" Joe threw his baton at the midget with a direct hit.

With their cover blown, the midgets then attacked our heroes, but the latter managed to hold them off and eventually take them down.

The midgets were then taken to the station where their pictures were taken for wanted posters. Due to the midgets being too short for the cop to take their picture, the instead had to jump in order to make it work.

It then panned to the left to show several other cops, including Joe, were congratulating Brian for his deed.

"Nice work, rookie." Joe congratulated Brian.

"You're a credit to the force." One of the cops also congratulated Brian.

"Additional generic cop compliment, Brian." One of the cops then congratulated Brian.

Everyone soon turned to the cop confused about what he meant.

"I wanted to say something unique and original." The cop later admitted.

"Huh, thanks. But the real hero here is God for blessing me with this nose." Brian thanked everyone. "And a few other equally amazing appendages Heh?"

"Well, I better take this cocaine down to Evidence." Joe said about to take the briefcase filled with cocaine away.

"Oh, uh, hey, I'll-I'll do that." Brian insisted taking the briefcase instead. "Uh. I'll-I'll catch up with you guys at the pub."

Brian went away from the others, but while no one was looking, he entered the bathroom instead in a suspicious manner.

Later that night, the Griffins were having dinner.

"So, it's settled. We're taking a cruise to the Bahamas!" Lois said excitedly.

"Bahamas!" Friz cheered.

"Ah, this is gonna be great. Cruises are the best." Peter said excited for the trip.

"And look. It says we have our choice of cabins, port or starboard." Lois said. "Ha. Listen to me. I sound like an old salt. *laughs*"

Stewie then suddenly laughed sarcastically at Lois, catching her offguard.

"Yes, though I must say, I've always dreamed of a life at sea." Stewie said fantasizing about being on sea.

 **Cutaway #4**

Stewie fantasized himself in a parody of the operetta _HMS Pinafore_ where he was the captain.

[Stewie]

 _I'm the greatest captain in the Queen's Navy_

[Sailors]

 _And your record will stand as proof_

[Stewie]

 _Be it galley or a freighter_

 _I'm an expert navigator_

[Sailors]

 _And you're also a world-class poof_

[Stewie]

 _My manner, quite effete_

 _Is mistaken on the street_

 _For a sailor who can pirouette on cue_

 _Well, despite your point of view_

 _I can thrill a girl of two_

 _But I'd rather get it on with you_

[Sailor]

 _Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!_

Suddenly, they were stricken by a cannonball to the ship's left. Stewie looked at where the cannonball came from and found the cause: a pirate version of Ub and Friz as they laughed in victory.

 **End**

Stewie glared angrily at the duo for ruining his fantasy when Brian came home from work.

"Sorry to be tardy to the party." Brian said looking disheveled and had a cigarette in his mouth.

"Wow, Brian. Have you lost weight? You gotta tell me your secret." Meg said to Brian noticing he was now thinner than usual.

"Here's a hint... PUT DOWN THE FORK!" Brian then shouted at her, to her and everyone's shock. "Face!"

"So, how was your day?" Lois asked trying to lighten things up.

"My day? Un-freaking-believable! First-First, we nailed this bastard, who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll! Her doll, for God's sake!" Brian ranted before he took a smoke out of his cigarette and continued. "Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It-It's-It's-It's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey! BAM! Freakin' evaporated, like a dingy, stinkin' mud puddle! O-One day, you s-you see your reflection in it and the next day, it's a-it's a-it's a damn oil spot on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truth that rots in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!"

The family was left speechless at Brian's speech, not knowing what he was talking about at all as they stared at him in utter confusion.

"Dude, what the heck are you talking about?" Ub soon asked Brian.

"You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew." Peter then said to Chris.

"And that is relevant to this conversation how?" Friz asked.

The next day, an elementary school was having an assembly meeting where Brian was there to teach to stay off of drugs as "McGriffin, the Drug Dog."

"So, take it from me, McGriffin, the Drug Dog, if you really want to get high, it's as easy as being yourself." Brian said to the children, who applauded for him in respect. "Well, kids, I'm gonna pass things off now to... Gerald, the Happy and Abstinent Police Clown."

Brian left the stage where said clown took his place while riding on a unicycle.

"He-ey, kids! You know why I'm happy?" Gerald asked the children as he pulled out a balloon and made balloon animals in the shape of letters. "'Cause I'm free of 'S', 'T', 'D's!"

Soon after the assembly meeting, Brian stepped into the boys' restroom.

"That McGriffin guy was so cool!" One of two kids said in one of the stalls.

"Totally! I'm never doing drugs now!"

Unbeknownst to them, Brian was in there with them snorting cocaine by the sinks.

"Got milk?" Brian asked his reflection and then laughing at his joke in a manic tone.

Meanwhile, Peter was preparing Chris, Ub, Friz and himself tans for their upcoming vacation at a tanning salon. They were all in their underwear.

"Now, boys, before you go on a cruise, you gotta build up a base tan." Peter told the boys.

"But, Dad, I heard that if you use tanning beds, you can get something called 'melanoma'." Chris informed Peter.

"Ah, that's just fancy talk for 'sexified'." Peter reassured him.

"Actually, people say it's skin cancer and that is accurate." Friz stated.

"Chris, you go first." Peter told Chris.

Chris got into the tanning booth and Peter closed the lid and activated it. However, the booth acted strange and Peter opened the lid again after a magenta-colored light emitted, only to find Chris had disappeared.

"Hey, what kind of tanning booth is this?" Peter asked one of the workers at the salon about the tanning booth his son used.

"Can't you read? Those aren't tanning booths. That whole row is time machines." The employee informed Peter.

It then showed signs from above for each row of machines: one for tanning booths and one for time machines.

"And you have these next to the tanning booths why?" Friz questioned the employee about the time machines' purpose here.

"Ah, crap, where the hell is he?!" Peter asked the employee now worried about his son.

"Hey, Dad, I'm in the Bible days! And there's a whole stadium of people clapping for me!" Chris hollered from within the time machine. "Oh, look. My very own lion!"

"Oh, my God!" Peter exclaimed in horror as he tried to pull Chris out of there, but accidentally pulled out the lion instead. Peter dropped the lion and shut the lid. "Huh. Must've got the wrong hat."

"I'm gonna get him out of there!" Ub said opening the lid of the time machine and diving right in before the scene then zoomed out to reveal Rocky from _Rocky and Bullwinkle_ next to Peter and Friz facing the audience.

"And now, here's something that we hope you'll really like." Rocky said to the audience.

Meanwhile, Brian was working at his job in the airport with Joe. He decided to take a smokem which Joe wasn't too fond of.

"Whoa, Brian, there's no smoking in the terminal." Joe informed Brian.

"Hey, hey, there's worse things than nicotine, pal!" Brian talked back at Joe. "And I'm gonna find."

"Ah, patience, lad." The other cop reassured Brian in an Irish accent. "It took dear St. Patrick more than a day to clear the Emerald Isle of snakes-"

"Oh, can the Irish crap will you, Horowicz?" Brian hushed the other cop.

"I'm sorry?" Horowicz asked, implying he really was Irish.

Brian then spotted an old man passing by with a briefcase and approached him.

"Open it!" Brian ordered the old man. When the old man didn't do as he demanded, he tried to take it by force.

"Ah! Let me go! Help!" The old man said as Brian opened the briefcase revealing the man's belongings, but no drugs.

"All right, where's the stash? I'll do a freakin' body-cavity search, I swear!" Brian threatened the old man going behind the man and started sniffing his rear.

Joe intervened and pulled Brian away from the old man.

"Sir, we apologize." Joe apologize to the man, who ran away in fear and put Brian down.

"Griffin, there's no easy to say this." Joe said to Brian. "I think you have a drug problem."

"A drug problem?" Brian asked. "What's this really about? Jealousy? Am I stealing your thunder, Joe? Is that it?"

"Give me your badge." Joe ordered Brian.

"Fine!" Brian shouted removing and then throwing his badge to the ground. "By the way, Horowiz, you should show Joe your impression of him." Having said that, Brian departed.

Joe then turned to Horowiz hearing what Brian said about the latter's supposedly doing impressions of him behind his back, which made Horowiz justifiably nervous.

"Oh, well, I-It's not as, you know, my Irish cop. It's just a little thing I-" Horowiz explained, though Joe still gave him that stern look, causing him to just cut to the chase. "Look at me! I'm Joe! My legs don't work, but I make up for it by having a very strong upper body!"

Joe then let out some laughter, easily finding Horowiz's impersonation of him humorous.

"Well, I do say that." Joe said, to which Horowiz formed a small smile of satisfaction.

Later that night, most of the family was in the living room doing their usual things while Lois walked over to Peter, who was busy reading something.

"Oh, The Old Man and the Sea." Lois exclaimed at the book Peter was reading. "I see you're getting in the mood for our cruise."

"Yeah. Stupid fisherman." Peter agreed gleefully mocking said fisherman in the book. "Sitting out there in a boat yammerin' to himself. He doesn't even know I'm watching him."

"Maybe he's watching you, Mr. Griffin." Friz suggested.

"No, Friz, that's ridiculous." Peter said to Friz brushing off his claims before suddenly realizing. "Could he?" Peter closed the book and looked at the cover, which indeed had the fisherman on it staring directly at him, to both Friz and Peter's surprise as the latter threw the book by the window.

Just then, Brian entered the house with a woman in a rather unpleasant appearance. He was wearing a black jacket, shades and had a lit cigarette in his mouth. The family, except for Stewie, were visibly shocked at what Brian had become.

"Ahh, splendid. Fido McCoke-Fiend is home." Stewie sarcastically remarked at Brian's state.

"Everybody, this is Tina." Brian told the family blatantly introducing the woman with him without even that much effort at being polite.

"What happened to you?" Meg asked Brian.

"Hey, how about a little less questions and a little more SHUT THE HELL UP!?" Brian chastised Meg, to Ub's dismay.

"You know, just because you can't feel your teeth, doesn't mean the girl can't feel your insults." Stewie stated to Brian. Ub was caught completely offguard by Stewie's words there and didn't know the correct words to describe what had happened.

"Uh...thanks?" Ub awkwardly thanked Stewie.

After a moment, Lois finally spoke up.

"Hello, I'm Lois Griffin. Welcome to our home." Lois introduced herself to Brian's new lady friend.

"So, what? She's, like, your mother or somethin'?" Tina asked Brian, who merely laughed finding her question humorous before being joined by Peter.

Lois turned to Peter unpleased, which caused Peter to stop. "Tina, can I get you a warm washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?"

Brian ignored Lois and dragged Tina to where Meg, Chris, Ub, Friz and Stewie were watching TV and grabbed the remote. "Here, baby, I'll show you the channel Lois doesn't know about."

Brian then changed to said channel on the TV as Lois stepped over.

"Brian, would you-Chris, look away! Meg, take Stewie upstairs!" Lois ordered her kids.

The kids easily did as they were asked as Meg picked up Stewie and both she, Ub, Friz and Chris then walked over to the stairs.

"Wait, wait! That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snakebite!" Stewie said pointing out what he was seeing on the TV.

"Brian, would you please ask your new friend to leave now?" Lois demanded visibly outraged by his behavior as she took the remote from Brian's hand and turned off the TV, to Brian's chagrin.

"Oh, sorry. Things getting a little too real for the Stepford wife?" Brian mockingly asked Lois before turning his attention to the kids, who were by the stairs. "A-And look at you two. Quasimodo and Lumpy. *scoffs* I-I leave more personality in tightly coiled piles on the lawn!"

Hearing what Brian was saying, Ub experienced another vision. This time, it appeared to be a man abusing a what appeared to be his daughter. He soon fell to the floor and the family rush to his aid.

"Ah, great. Another episode from yours truly." Brian then said insulting Ub for his visions, "What's it this time? The one where you found yourself in a hospital where all the doctors are pigs?!"

Before Ub could even respond to Brian's insult, he then passed out due to the vision having left him exhausted him to that point.

"Typical." Brian remarked.

"Oh, do me! Do me next!" Stewie asked wanting to see what kinds of things he'll say to him.

"You have the head of an American football and the personality of a forgettable James Bond villain." Friz told Stewie.

"Which one?" Stewie then asked.

"Come one, baby girl, let's go to the park." Brian insisted dragging Tina out of the house with him as he shut the door behind, hard enough to knock off one of the photos on the wall near the door. The next day, Brian returned home alone still in the attire he wore from last night, where, to his confusion, the family and even Dr. Kaplan were in the living room waiting for him. "Hey, Doc. What the hell are you doing here?"

"Your family has something they'd like to say to you." Dr. Kaplan told Brian.

Meg took out a piece of paper and read out loud her speech to Brian, "Brian, I know I don't speak up much and it's-it's really hard to talk about my feelings, but-"

"Why-Why don't we start with someone more interesting? Peter-" Dr. Kaplan cut off Meg and suggested.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just what the heck was that?" Ub cut off Kaplan and was a bit pissed off at him cutting off Meg earlier, "Are you saying Meg and Friz aren't interesting? Is that it?"

"No, I just felt it didn't have anything to do with Brian's problem." Dr. Kaplan reasoned, "Anyway, uh, Peter."

Peter brought out his own speech written on a piece of paper, "Brian, ever since your addiction, you've been a jerk. I miss the good ol' days when you were my sidekick."

 **Cutaway #5**

It showed Peter dressed as David Letterman and was currently hosting _The Late Show with David Letterman_.

"Ahh, so, she hated my tie until told her it was made out of 100 percent Buttafuoco fiber." Peter told the audience, who laughed at his joke, "Hey, uh, Brian. How about a little tie music?"

It panned over to Brian, who was parodying David Letterman's musical director, Paul Shaffer.

"Peter's tie, Peter's tie, that's because Peter's the guy." Brian sang playing on the keyboard as the audience cheered. "Alright, that's it. Little tie music."

 **End**

"Look, y-y-you guys got it all wrong. I-I-I-I w-" Brian tried to explain backing up to the window behind him, but he saw the concern on the family's faces and it was there that he realized they were right, "Ooh, I'm so sorry, everyone! Oh, God, I need help!" Having finally admitted his problem, Brian continued breaking into tears.

"Well, I guess now we know what kind of dog he is." Stewie soon spoke.

"What?" Friz asked him.

"A melon-collie." Stewie said before laughing at his joke. His family, however, didn't respond nor joined him on laughing along, "Nothing? Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, I-I should have said-I should have said: 'Chi-wah-wah.'" Stewie laughed again at his new joke, but like before, the family didn't respond. Stewie had enough of this and told his family, "I don't have to [BLEEP] impress you" before storming off.

Later, the family was in the car driving to somewhere.

"Look, I-I'm not insensitive, Lois, but I-I just don't see why we gotta cancel our cruise just 'cause the dog's a cokehead." Peter said to Lois while driving.

"We're not going on vacation while Brian's in rehab." Lois stated, "We'll just have to wait 'till next year."

"Aw, man!" Peter groaned at losing his free vacation.

"Look, Peter, I'll-I'll make it up to you. I have a cousin who works at Club Med." Brian told Peter wanting to make up to the family for having them skip their vacation.

 **Cutaway #6**

Brian's cousin, Jasper, was busy working with four bathing-clad women to the tune of the 1987 Buster Poindexter song "Hot Hot Hot".

 **End**

The family arrived at their destination: the Providence Rehab Clinic, which was where Brian would be getting rehabilitation treatment. The family approached the clinic as they passed by the front of the building, which Peter was all the more impressed with.

"Holy crap! Look at this place!" Peter said admiring the place, "This is where God would come if he had to stop doing blow."

"They have tennis courts!" Meg pointing out to said tennis courts that were offscreen.

"And a full spa!" Stewie also pointed out.

"Wow! No wonder people do drugs!" Chris exclaimed in awe.

"Good luck, Brian." Lois told Brian wishing him luck, "I just know you're gonna get clean."

"Heh. Shouldn't be too hard to get clean with all these mineral baths and Jacuzzis." Peter then joked, in which the rest of the family, except Stewie, laughed at.

"Hey, that was actually funny." Friz said.

"Now that's comedy." Ub agreed.

"Oh, oh, I see. The fat man makes a pun and everyone wets themselves. I give you gold and I get squat." Stewie said offended by his family choosing Peter's form of humor over his.

"That's 'cause your dad has better taste." Ub pointed out to Stewie, "Right, Tyler? Tyler?" Ub then suddenly found himself strapped down to a table in what appeared to be a mental ward. Ub tried to break out of the restraints, but it was no use as he tried desperately to escape to no avail. His attempts stopped when he soon noticed a doctor appear before him, interested in the new patient.

Before he could say anything, he then found himself back to him with the Griffins dropping off Brian. Stewie was still there as he didn't respond at first to Ub's comment before finally saying, "I'll be in the car." Ub was left confused by what just happened earlier and he was wondering if he was actually in that kind of hospital or if his mind was playing tricks on him. He kept thinking about this even after the family was driving away from the clinic.

It then cut to nighttime where everyone was already in bed, except for Brian and the clinic's head doctor, who were talking together down a hallway.

"That was a very production first day, Brian." The head doctor congratulated Brian, "Our goal here is to find your X-factor, the element in your life that made you turn to drugs in the first place."

"Well, just-just having some time away to sort things out is gonna do wonders." Brian said excited about going straight as he reached his room and then shook hands with the doctor, "Thanks, doctor." As the head doctor departed, Brian then stepped into his room, where something soon caught him by surprise, "Wha...What are you doing here?!"

The person Brian was talking to turned out to be Peter, who was lying on his bed holding a can of beer in his right hand.

"I'm on vacation." Peter explained, "Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm also on smack." Peter then opened the beer he had in his hand.

"Peter, this-this is a detox clinic. You can't vacation here." Brian told Peter.

"Why not? This place is way better than a cruise." Peter asked Brian preferring to spend his vacation at the clinic, "Y-You've should've seen it. I whipped a speed freak's ass at horseshoes today."

"Peter, this isn't a vacation for me." Brian said trying to reason with Peter, "For God's sake, I'm trying to get healthy!"

"Yeah, okay, okay, alright." Peter replied acting like he understood Brian, whom turned in for the night, "Hey-Hey, softball tomorrow afternoon. A bunch of us addicts are taking on the pregnant teenagers from across the lake."

The next day, we see the swimming exercise seminar, which the head doctor from before was currently taking notes of the patients' progress.

"Okay, come on, everyone. Exercise is an important part of recovery. Just work with the resistance of the water. Two more reps." The swimming instructor told the patients turning her back to them where a shark fin swam by, "Okay, and one, and two, and three-"

The shark fin then closed in on a female patient and seemingly dragged her underwater. The woman then rose out of the water unscathed, but found her bikini top gone as she covered her now bare chest in embarrassment. Peter then came up from the water, revealing to have stripped the woman of her top as he had the shark fin strapped onto his back.

"Yeah! I'm also addicted to boobies!" Peter declared holding up the woman's top in glory, much to the woman's chagrin.

Later, Peter was having lunch at the cafeteria. He noticed that the patient he was eating with had a cupcake that he certainly had interest in having and so, thought of an idea on how to obtain the dessert.

"Trade you this for your cupcake." Peter offered holding up what appeared to be a bag of cocaine, which caught the addict's attention and without hesitation, the addict snatched away Peter's coke and ran off in a hurry. Peter then picked up and took a bite out of the cupcake before he found the head doctor of the clinic standing behind him giving him a stern expression, "What? It was just Carpet Fresh. I'm on your side."

"I've been observing your behavior and I don't think you're an addict." The head doctor informed Peter of her suspicions of him, "I think you're an idiot."

"Well, I don't pay you to think, Hot Lips. In fact, I don't pay you at all." Peter talked back to the woman, who was rather unfazed by Peter's insult, "Count it."

"I'll be keeping my eye on you." The doctor said before looking checking for Peter's name on her clipboard, "What's your name?"

"Uh, my-my name? Uuhhh." Peter responded now in worry trying to come up with a good fake name to pass off surveying the cafeteria for inspiration. The first thing to catch his eye was a lone pea on a plate at a faraway table, "Uh, uh, pea..." Peter looked around for more until he spotted a woman crying by her table, "...tear..." Just then, a gryphon all of a sudden flew by, "...Griffin. Yeah, yeah. Peter Griffin." The doctor then accepted Peter's answer and wrote his name down on the clipboard just as Peter realized what he just said, "Ah, crap."

Later, in the evening, Brian was busy doing a jogging as part of his rehabilitation.

"Hey, Brian, I was lookin' for ya." Peter said to Brian driving by next to him in a cart, "Hey, y-you wanna go mess with the pregnant teens across the lake?"

"I-I can't. Group therapy, 2:00." Brian told Peter declining his offer.

"Ho-oh, man, I peeked on one of those." Peter said, "It was more boring than when I was a security guard for Goerge Harrison."

 **Cutaway #7**

It showed Goerge Harrison's home before it then showed Peter as said actor's security guard, complete with his own uniform. However, instead of keeping watch over trespassers, Peter was too busy watching the small TV in his office, to which one then climbed over the brick wall from outside the yard and headed straight for the house undetected. There were then sounds of a struggle offscreen.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! Quiet down, up there!" Peter called out before turning back to his show, "You wacky Beatle."

 **End**

"Well, I...I have been making a lot of progress lately." Brian said warily, "I guess missing one session won't be the end of the world."

"There you go!" Peter said glad that Brian accepted the offer.

The two then rowed to the pregnant teeagers at the other side of the lake while everyone was asleep.

"Hey, what do you think they put in the bug juice?" Peter asked Brian out of curiosity.

"Bugs." Brian guessed.

"No, they don't!" Peter replied to Brian's answer refusing to believe it, "Come on! Shut up!"

They arrived at their destination: the Teen Pregnancy Center. The two sneaked around the side of the building and broke into a room filled with expecting mothers where they were setting up a prank on all of them involving placing each of their hands in bowls of warm water. Their prank would backfire immediately as it instead caused all the mothers in the room to prematurly give birth to their children. Seeing the damage they caused, Peter and Brian ran for it.

The next morning, Peter and Brian ended up getting caught as they were now sitting in the head doctor's office.

"Well, I hope you're proud of yourselves. 14 premature births." The doctor told Peter and Brian.

"Sorry, Doc. I-I don't usually let Peter talk me into this kind of stuff." Brian apologized to the doctor.

"Wait a minute. Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?" The doctor asked Brian shocked.

"A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a fastizio! See? I can make up words, too, sister." Peter said in response to the woman's question.

"Well, I think we've found your X-factor." The doctor deducted.

"What, you mean Peter?" Brian asked taken by surprise.

"His behavior is clearly a negative influence on you." The doctor stated, "And with your intelligence and sensitivity-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!" Brian interrupted, "I made my own mistakes, all right? This man took me into his home a-and he treated me like family. He's my best friend."

"Yes, and look where you've ended up." The doctor told Brian.

"You know what? I think my therapy here is complete." Brian soon said, "I came here to get clean and I did. So, good-bye."

Brian then turned to the door and storm out of the room.

"Brian, it's moments like this that make me sad you're gonna die 50 years before I do." Peter told Brian following him out of the office.

Brian returned home to Quahog, where a welcome back party was being thrown for him at the Griffin house.

"He was all coked up, and we were choked up. But now our happy Brian's home, cha-chap-cha!" Lois sang playing the piano happy that Brian was back home while Joe, Bonnie and a couple of police officers applauded for her.

"I am serious, Lois, you could be in show business!" Joe encouraged Lois.

In the living room, Meg, Ub, Friz and Chris were standing around when Quagmire walked up to them.

"Hey, Meg. 18 yet?" Quagmire asked Meg.

"No." Meg answered.

"Hey, Chris. How are ya?" Quagmire then asked Chris.

"Well, I'm glad I-" Chris was about to say.

"Alright." Quagmire said one of his trademark phrases cutting Chris off and walking away, to the four kids' confusion.

Just then, another vision came to Ub. This time, it was of two star-crossed lovers sharing a kiss. As the vision passed, he saw that these visions seem to revolve around this girl of sorts and that maybe it's connected to him and Friz's past.

Back to Brian, joining him were now Peter, Lois, Joe, Cleveland and the rest of the police force.

"Brian, I feel a little guilty." Joe said to Brian feeling that he was responsible for Brian's addiction, "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have been exposed to that junk."

"Hey, Joe. If I've learned anything from my experience, it's that we're all responsible for our own destiny." Brian remarked, to which he handed his drink to Joe, "And that's why I'm leaving." As Brian announced this, a taxi pulled up outside.

"What?" Ub exclaimed at Brian's words.

"Why?" Friz asked concerned.

"L-Leaving?" Peter exclaimed shaken by Brian's decision, "Y-Ya can't leave."

"I have to, Peter. For me." Brian stated to Peter picking up his dubbel bag, "I love you all." Brian then exited the house ready to start a new life.

Everyone back in the living room was clearly distraught over Brian leaving. Something inside them said that they should stop them, in which Lois spoke, "Somebody say something!"

"Or better yet do something!" Friz said.

Stewie came down from the stairs in his pajamas and holding his teddy bear, Rupert. Much like everyone else, he, too was distraught over Brian leaving and ran out of the house to catch up to Brian.

"Brian, wait!" Stewie called out to Brian hurrying to the taxi, which fortunately for him, Brian spotted him approaching the taxi.

"Oh, wh-ho-hold on a second." Brian told the taxi driver and rolled down the window to face Stewie. However, the only thing Stewie did was spit in Brian's face and walked back to the house, turning out to be his actual intention instead of trying to persuade him to stay, something of which Brian was not surprised by, "Airport, please." Brian told the driver rolling the window back up as the taxi drove away from the Griffin household.

 **To Be Continued...**

(A/N: Thank you all for returning for season 3 of Family Guy JT. I'm sure you've noticed quite a few changes in this new episode, like John and Tyler's names now being Ub and Friz. It's something I felt needed to be made and I hope you'll all be cool with the change. Anyways, I hope that this season will be just as good as the other two seasons and as always, let me know what you guys think of this episode. Until then, have a good night.)


	2. Brian Does Hollywood

It showed nothing but darkness where the only thing that was visible was a quote from Edgar Allen Poe, which read:

Deep into that darkness peering,

Long I stood there,

Wondering...

Fearing...

Doubting...

Amidst the darkness, the quote was read aloud by Ub himself.

 **Opening Credits**

 _It seems today that all ya see_

 _Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

 _But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

 _On which we used to rely_

 _Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

 _Lucky there's a man who_

 _Positively can do_

 _All the things that make us_

 _Laugh n' Cry_

 _He's_

 _a_

 _Fam_

 _-ily_

 _Guy!_

 **End**

It had been sometime after Brian left the Griffin household and the family had hope that he'd might return one day. In the kitchen, Lois was giving Stewie a bath in the sink while Chris was working on his homework at the table. Peter then came in carrying a box of Brian's books and then placed it down on the other end of the table.

"Peter, don't throw out Brian's things." Lois told Peter, "It's not like he's going to be in Las Angelas forever. He just needs to find himself."

"He's not coming back, Lois. You saw him. He just walked out on us!" Peter reminded Lois still upset about Brian's department before reminiscing about all the good memories he had with Brian, "Oh, boy, did we have some good times."

Peter then flashed back to a time he and Brian were at the park playing with a frisbee.

"Here it comes, buddy." Peter hollered to Brian as he threw the frisbee to him.

The frisbee flew over Brian and he then chased, then caught it in his mouth. Brian took the frisbee out of his mouth and threw it back to Peter, but it then sliced off the top half of his head, which then fell to the ground as Peter was now in agony.

"AH! OH, GOD! OHH, GOD! AH! OH! WHAT ARE THE ODDS?! AHH!" Peter screamed in pain.

It then cut back to Lois washing Stewie's scalp.

"Well, if he does come back, I want everything to be just how he left it." Lois told Peter when Stewie struggled.

"Ugh, easy! Massage the scalp!" Stewie told Lois, "You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk."

Just then, both Meg, Ub and Friz walked into the room. Meg was holding up an envelope in her hand.

"You guys, we got a letter from Brian." Meg told everyone.

"T-Tell him I'm not here." Peter whispered to Meg, to her confusion.

"He can't see you, Mr. Griffin." Friz told Peter.

"Hmm, let me see." Lois asked Meg as she picked up Stewie from the sink and placed him down next to a towel to dry him with. However, Stewie then screamed in pain where he found he had sat on a fork, "Ohh, I'm sorry, sweetie." Lois then kissed Stewie's butt cheek to make the pain go away.

"Eeww!" Ub and Friz exclaimed in disgust at what Lois did.

"There, all better?" Lois asked Stewie affectionately.

"You know, you are some piece of work, lady. If you-" Stewie almost told off Lois wrapping the towel around his waist before feeling that his butt felt better, "Well, actually, yes, it is."

Lois then went over to Meg as she took the postcard from her hand and started reading what Brian wrote on the back, "'Greetings from California. I've been very busy. I'm having a great time trying to make it as a writer here in L.A.. It's just as easy as everyone thinks it is. I've been working the room at a lot of Hollywood parties.' Ooo!"

It then cut to Brian at a Hollywood party, where he seemed like he was finally living on easy street.

"Bobby, loved you in _Raging Bull_!" Brian called out to a celebrity he passed by, "Hey, Jodie, how's the baby? Heh. Alright." It then zoomed out to reveal that Brian was actually working as a waiter as he walked into the kitchen and said to one of the chefs, "Hey, I need more cheese puffs, Manny. Looks like Oprah's off the wagon again." The chef took Brian's tray to refill on more cheese puffs, "And skip the toothpicks. She'll just hurt herself."

"Hey, Bri. Did you hear about Jason? Paramount bought his script." A waiter who came up to the counter told Brian, to the latter's surprise.

"They bought _Death Spares Not The Tiger_?!" Brian asked the waiter baffled.

"$100,000. Pretty good, huh?" The waiter replied and then asked.

"Sheesh, he's been in L.A. how long? Unbelievable. You know he called the main character 'John Everyman'? C-C-Come on!" Brian scoffed at the news, though the waiter he was talking to didn't seem to care as he took a fresh tray of cheese puff and left the kitchen, leaving Brian, "Well, good for him."

Brian picked up a new batch of cheese puffs from the chef and before he left the kitchen, took a deep breathe and put on a smile. As he passed by the many guests, he then stumbled upon Keanu Reeves.

"Keanu Reeves, wow! Heh." Brian exclaimed in excitement at meeting Keanu Reeves in person, "You know, I-I don't usually gush, so you'll have to forgive me. But, uh... But when I was writing Coastguard- Oh, that's-that's what I do, I'm a writer-Anyway, when I was writing Coast Guard, I couldn't think of anyone other than, uh..." Brian then paused when he spotted a woodpecker land on top of Keanu Reeves' head and started pecking, "Uh... there's a woodpecker on your head."

"Yeah, he comes and goes." Keanu Reeves responded not fazed.

Back in Quahog, the Griffins were watching TV in the living room as usual.

"And now back to Kids Say The Darndest Things." The announcer on the TV said.

The show was hosted by Bill Cosby, who was talking to a little girl. The girl seemed rather upset while Cosby seemed concerned for her.

"It's okay, tak your time." Bill told the girl, "Then, what happened?"

"He... *sniff* He said that he would kill me if I ever said anything." The girl said.

"Do you remember what he looked like?" Cosby asked her.

"Yeah..." The girl answered, "He had a big scar on his arm... and he had a big, stupid, doo-doo head."

"A big, stupid, doo-doo head!" Cosby exclaimed excitedly to the audience, whom laughed as a result, much to the girl's mixed reaction.

"Oh-ho! Honestly, the things these children come up with." Lois remarked.

"If you have a child and you'd like to exploit in order to get a free trip to Los Angelas, then why not have them try out for our show?" The announcer on TV asked as it showed images of previous episodes of the show along with text that read "FOR INFORMATION CALL (323) 555-0158" at the bottom of the screen, "Our next auditions will be held in New York, Chicago and Quahog, Rhode Island."

"Hey, maybe Stewie could get on that show." Chris suggested.

"Ugh, you must be shrooming." Stewie said to Chris obviously not enthusiastic about his brother's idea.

"No way, I'm not willing to see that little beast on national television." Ub agreed with Stewie.

"Yeah, We can get a free trip to LA to see Brian!" Meg said agreeing with Chris's idea.

"That's a wonderful idea!" Ub soon changed his opinion.

"But, U-man, you said-" Friz almost said to Ub.

"Hey, when you got a crush on somebody, you do almost anything." Ub whispered to Friz.

"Jeez, I haven't been to California since I lived with my other family." Peter said reminiscing about something from his past.

 **Cutaway #1**

It showed a shack in the middle of nowhere, revealed to be the home of then murderer Charles Manson, along with three of his followers. Soon, Peter entered the shack.

"Guys, I just got invited to a party at Sharon Tates' house!" Peter told Charles Manson and his followers, "Now, you guys can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me."

 **End**

The next day, Stewie was in his room interrogating a Kermit the Frog plush that was tied to one of the legs of his crib.

"Talk, damn you! I know you've been plotting to foil my plans of world domination. Who are you working for?! The Libyans?! The French?! " Stewie demanded slapping the doll, which naturally didn't respond, "Very well, if torture won't work, perhaps a little tenderness will." Stewie walked over to his toy trunk and pulled out a Miss Piggy plush doll to intimidate the Kermit doll, "Mmm, I like your taste in women. Yes, I think she and I are going to have a good time together." Stewie then tries to seduce the Miss Piggy doll, "Yes, you like this, don't you?... Oh, God, look at me having sex with a pig. I've become my father."

"HA!" Ub and Friz laughed offscreen, to Stewie's irritance.

Lois then opened the door and entered the room to help Stewie get ready for his audition with _Kids Say The Darndest Things_.

"Come on, Stewie. Let's get your sailor suit." Lois saidto Stewie, "You gotta look cute if you're auditioning for national television."

"Lois, I told you there's no way I-" Stewie almost told Lois until he heard the last part she said, "National television, you say? Coast to coast?" Stewie then went over to his toy trunk again and this time fetched out a pair of goggles, "Well, that could be the ideal place to unleash my mass-hypnosis device on the unsuspecting public."

As Stewie said that, Ub and Friz passed by having heard it all and so, they decided to intervene.

"Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Griffin, would you and Mr. Griffin mind if both me and Friz come with you guys to Stewie's audition?" Ub asked Lois.

"I suppose. Why do you wanna go?" Lois asked puzzled by the duo's sudden request.

"Because... we wanna see how well Stewie does?" Friz replied trying to make up an excuse that Lois would buy.

"Really? Well, then you boys can come." Lois told the duo.

"Thank you." Ub and Friz said as they left the room.

Lois then went over to Stewie's closet to get his sailor suit. "Oh, I always loved this little sailor suit. Or we could do nice corduroys and a sweater."

"Or you could make yourself useful and wipe my button." Stewie insisted tossing a tissue to her and opening the back of his overalls revealing his bum, "Circular motion, one finger. And don't you look at me!"

Back to Brian, he was now working at a car wash known simply as the Hollywood Car Wash as he was busy washing cars. As he was squeezing out the water from his rag, he soon spotted something, or someone of interest, offscreen.

"Oh, my God, that's Michael Eisner." Brian exclaimed at his discovery before turning to one of his co-workers, "Uh, I'll-I'll take it from her, Hoolio." Brian span his rag around to signal to Eisner that his car was clean, whom was sitting by a bench with coffee and a donut in his hands, which he soon threw away and walked over to his now clean car, "Uh, here you go, Mr. Eisner. It's, uh...It's been Brian-ized. You might notice that new script smell, heh-heh. Every car I handwash comes with a smile, an air freshener and a copy of my can't miss coming-of-age teen comedy set in Wisconsin."

Brian then handed said script to Eisner, but before the latter accepted it, he then asked him, "What's your name?"

"Brian." Brian answered.

"Let's see..." Eisner said reaching into his coat and pulled out a Mickey Mouse Ears hat that that Brian's name on it and placed it on Brian's head, to his dismay, "There we go, Brian." Eisner then stepped into his car, "See you in Disneyland. Bring money." Eisney then drove off in a heartbeat.

Back in Quahog, Peter and Lois arrived at the Quahog Inn where auditions for _Kids Say The Darndest Things_ were being held with Stewie, along with Ub and Friz joining them, though the duo were more concerned about preventing Stewie's plan of using the show to brainwash people all across the United States. Peter and Lois were already ahead of line where they were before Tom Tucker and his son, Jake, who were up next.

"Look, it's Tom Tucker from the news. And that must be his son." Lois whipsered to Peter, where Tom Tucker's son, Jake looked at her and then looked away, "Oh, my..."

"Well, I feel bad staring without having to pay for a ticket." Stewie commented on Jake Tucker's face, "I mean, really, how am I supposed to follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken?"

"Dad, they're staring at me." Jake told his father, who was reading a newspaper.

"They're just jealous." Tom Tucker replied nonchalantly.

The door opened with one of the people involved in the audtions stepping to in inform Tom Tucker that he and his son were next, but soon changed his mind after witnessing and cringing at the sight of the latter's son's face and went to Peter and Lois instead.

"Uh, you're next." The man told Peter and Lois leading them along with Ub and Friz into the room where auditions were being held, much to Tom Tucker's dismay.

"Hey, wh-Wait a minute. Wait, we were next. Hey! Hey, don't walk away from me! HEY!" Tom Tucker tried to talk to the man who was leading Peter, Lois, Ub and Friz inside, but was ultimately ignored as the door closed on it. Tom sighed and looked back at his son, "You know what we're gonna do? *sits back down in the chair he was sitting in* We're gonna get the video camera out and we'll make our own show."

"I don't wanna!" Jake said.

"Yes, you do! You do because it's normal!" Tom Tucker told Jake as his mouth quivered while he tried to hold back tears.

Inside the other room, Stewie was being interviewed while Peter, Lois, Ub and Friz were watching him.

"Tell us, Stewie. What job does a mommy do?" The man from earlier asked Stewie as he was now interviewing the latter.

"Hm, interesting question." Stewie remarked thinking about how to answer the man's question, "More to the point, how does one define 'job' without branding one self with useless labels?" He took a sip of what seemed like coffee before he realized what the man meant, "*chuckles* I'm sorry, I'm afraid I answered your question with another question."

The man and the other executives, who were taking notes, were dumbfounded by Stewie's intelligence.

"Ummm... how old do you think Daddy is?" The man asked Stewie again deciding to go to another question.

"42." Stewie simply answered. However, he saw that his answers were keeping the exectuives from considering him for the part on the show and so, he decided to play by their expectations, "Oh-Uh-Um-Uh-Uh, I mean-I mean, Daddy's old. I think he's 7."

The routine worked as the executives all laughed and pleased to see that Stewie was the child they were looking for.

"Yes, yes, that's it. That's what you want to hear, isn't it? Yes, yes, jump through the hoop. Daddy's feet smell." Stewie asked them before he laughed and said under his breath gritting his teeth, "Jackasses."

"Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. He's adorable." The man laughed carrying and then handing Stewie to Lois, "Congratulations. Stewie's gonna be on the show."

"Did you hear that, Lois, boys? We're goin' to Hollywood!" Peter said to Lois, Ub and Friz, "Where the people are sexy and clever and they always say somethin' funny right before the commercial break." Peter then waited expecting a celebrity to come in and say a funny line, not to his disappointment, no such celebrity appeared.

"Most of the time, that is..." Friz stated as it then cut to commercial.

Eventually, the Griffins packed their things and boarded the plane to Hollywood.

"Oh, great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby." A man complained in the seat in front of Stewie, who heard what the former said.

"What?!" Stewie demanded at the man, "What did you just say?!"

"Stewie, stop fussing-" Lois told Stewie as she was trying to buckle his seatbelt.

"Not now, Lois." Stewie cut off Lois before climbing on top of the man's seat to face him, "Hey, big man, turn around! If you got something to say, say it to my face!" Stewie slapped the man from the back of his head, but the man didn't respond focusing solely on his newspaper, "Oh, you can't hear me now? Alright, that's it! I was going to watch the movie, but forget it! For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch!" Stewie jumped back to his seat and began imitating as a crying baby kicking the man's seat, "My ears are popping and there's no way to console me! I'm hungry and possibly teething! Maybe I'm wet! Who knows?! I'm a baby!" Stewie then presumably continued this act until the plane landed in L.A..

We then cut to the apartment that Brian was staying at. He entered the apartment wanting to relax after a long day of work and trying to get some luck in filmmaking. As he approached the fridge, he played the answer machine on the phone while he was about to get something to eat from in the fridge.

"Yeah, uh, this is a message for Brian. This is Jack Nicholson." The caller's voice said catching Brian's attention, "Uh, listen, I read your script and it just, uh... you know, jumped right off the page. Uh, I think it's somethin' I'd be excited to be apart of. So, uh... call my, uh..." But just as Brian thought he was finally on his way to filmmaking, the caller broke out laughing along with someone else on the other end, revealing to be a prank caller, "Listen, I'm jus' jackin' ya, man. M-Me and my buddy, Phil, just found your script at Starbucks..."

"Tell him it sucks." The prank caller's friend said.

"Yeah, it sucks! Give it up, loser! And hold put your number on the cover, you stupid."

Brian sank his head in shame and disappointment from his humiliation. Luckily for him, no one was around to see what had just happened. But just as the message ended, the phone answered.

"Jasper's residence." Brian answered the phone.

"Who the hell is Jasper? Where's Brian?" Peter asked driving a rental car through L.A.

"Peter? It-It-It's me. Jasper's my cousin. I'm using his place while he's working at Club Med." Brian explained, "Are you on a cell phone?"

"Yeah, we're in L.A.!" Peter told Brian.

"What?! Uh, w-w-what a terrific surprise!" Brian lied obviously afraid of what they would think of him if they found out he wasn't a director.

"Brian, can we see you for dinner?" Lois asked Brian on the phone before Peter took it away.

"Yeah-Yeah, you're not too famous to get together with your old family, are ya?" Peter asked Brian.

"I, uh, uh... I-I was invited to the premiere of the new, uh..." Brian said to Peter trying to come up with an excuse, looking down at some magazines on the coffee table with one featuring Val Kilmer on the cover. Brian moved the magazine away and saw that the magazine underneath it featured Kevin Costner. "...the new Val Kilmer picture, but-but I'd much rather take you guys out to dinner. How 'bout Musso and Frank's, 8 o'clock?"

"Okay, see ya later, Mr. Bigshot-" Peter said to Brian when the car hit a bump in the road, causing Peter to lose his grip on the phone.

"Hey, Brian, it's me-" Ub poked his head out and tried to say to Brian just as the phone fell into his mouth and, for some reason, Ub started eating it as he was now chewing the whole thing in his mouth, to Peter and Lois' surprise.

"Oh, crap, I didn't push 'end'. This is gonna cost me a fortune!" Peter said.

Brian then hung up taking a seat on the couch in the living room just as his cousin, Jasper stepped into the apartment with a Latino man.

"Brian. Okay, I'm back. Tell me everything. I'm sitting. I'm hearing. That's Ricardo. Ricardo, Brian. He doesn't speak any English. Can I? Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm. Catching up. Okay, me first, I'm in love-Ooof, too much dressing-He's from the Philippines. I know, I know, I'm a rice queen. So, how's the writing thingy going?" Jasper said to Brian while the man who came in with him, Ricardo, gave him some Chinese food and he started eating it.

"Terrible." Brian scoffed, "I can't even get my foot in the door."

"O-Okay, I have you have to meet." Jasper recommended, "He's a producer, he's great."

"Really? Oh, thanks, that'd be great." Brian said thanking his cousin.

"So, do you like _Sex and the City_?" Jasper asked Brian picking up the remote off the coffee table.

"Yeah, it's an alright show." Brian answered.

"I wasn't talking about the show. Ooo, I'm nasty! Someone send me out to sea!" Jasper then joked.

Meanwhile, in downtown, the Griffins were busy sightseeing, stopping by a street corner.

"Ooh, it says here that this is the actual gutter where the policemen fell over laughing after Eddie Murphy told them he was just giving the transvestite a ride home." Meg told her family about the area they were currently standing on.

(A/N: Originally, my co-writer and I had planned to have Friz use Chaos Control to warp underground since we thought that the policemen from Meg's story actually fell into the gutter, but after looking up the event the joke is based on, I decided it was best to scrap the scene.)

The phone in Ub's stomache rang as he was looking at the gutter Meg was talking about.

"Oh, Ub, come over here. I need to answer." Peter called to Ub, who stepped over and Peter punched him in the stomache, answering the phone inside, "Hello?"

"Heh, hey, Peter, it's me, Quagmire." Quagmire told Peter through the phone in Ub's stomache.

"Oh, hey, Quagmire." Peter greeted Quagmire.

"Guess what? Last night, I had sex with a black chick." Quagmire told Peter, where, to the latter's dismay, a black couple walked by.

"Uh-Uh, I-I gotta go." Peter told Quagmire punching Ub's stomache to desperately hang up the phone, which he successfully after punching several times as Ub fell over clenching his gut in pain, "Heh, sorry."

"What? All he said was black chick." The black woman said to Peter.

"Yeah, I know, but your boyfriend looks like one of your typical angry black guys and I-I didn't want to offend him." Peter explained, "Hey, we cool, G?" He took the black boyfriend's hand and tried to do a fist bump with him, but all it did was somewhat offend the latter a bit as the couple then walked away, "Alright."

Later, Brian arrived at the agency where the producer Jasper told him about would be, where he managed to have a meeting with him, who was looking through Brian's script.

"I, uh...I was thinking Halle Berry would be perfect as the camp counselor all the kids want to 'get with'." Brian said to the producer.

"Jasper was right. You're very talented." The producer said to Brian, "You know, I-I'm havin' a brainstorm here. Have you ever thought about directing?"

"Oh, just every waking hour!" Brian answered already eager.

"Well, I-I-I got this movie. I-I'm not gonna lie. It's a low-budget movie, but the script is solid. My-My director dropped out and I need somebody who's smart, ambitious, and not addicted to meth." The producer told Brian.

"Well, I am smart and ambitious." Brian jokingly remarked as he and the producer laughed at his joke.

"Seriously." The producer soon asked being seriously this time.

"No, no, I'm-I'm clean." Brian confirmed.

After his meeting with the producer, Brian later had dinner with the family at Musso and Frank's Grill.

"You know, uh-uh, Musso and Frank's is famous. See the bar over there? Great writers like Hemingway and Falkner drank there." Brian told the family sharing to them the history of the restaurant.

"Hey-Hey, where did that guy who wrote _Porky's_ drink, eh? Eh? Ah, man, when that-when that fat broad grabbed that kid's crank through the hole...Ahh. Where do they get their ideas? Eh? Where do they get them? You're the writer, you tell me." Peter asked Brian enjoying his time at the restaurant.

"Ohh, boy, this is great. All that searching, that-that emptiness I felt back home, gone." Brian stated, "I think I finally found my life's calling, you know?"

"Oh! How wonderful!" Lois said very happy for Brian, "You know, Brian, I've always found your writing to be a little hackneyed and stilted, but I guess that's why I'm not workin' out here at Hollywood, huh? *chuckles* Oh, congratulations on all your success."

"Uhhh...Th-Th-Thank you." Brian thanked Lois, though he felt a bit of his pride shot down by Lois's comment on his work, "Hey, you know what might be a thrill for you guys?"

"Ooo, eating a pebble!" Chris guessed.

"Yes, but, uh, I was talking about stopping by the set to see me in action." Brian said.

"Brian, could we really?" Lois asked Brian excited.

"Well, uh... You do know somebody in the business." Brian joked, causing the family to laugh.

"Yes, well, I-I'm in the business, too, you know. I'm going to be on television." Stewie then told Brian.

"Great." Brian replied unimpressed.

"Uh-huh, sure." Friz said also unimpressed.

"Yes, and when I make my appearance, I promise you'll all be talking about it at the water cooler the next day." Stewie then said.

"Yeah. Well, good luck with that." Brian replied again unimpressed.

"'Yeah, well, good luck with that'." Stewie repeated imitating Brian before going back to his ordinary tone, "Yuts."

In a moment, the phone in Ub's stomache rang, resulting in Peter punching Ub's gut to answer, much to the latter's chagrin.

"Hello, I'm trying to reach Mr. Griffin." A woman's voice said from within Ub's belly.

"You're in him." Peter replied.

"Mr. Griffin, are you happy with your long-distance service?" The woman asked Peter.

"Yes, and I'm sick and tired of you people always calling during dinner." Peter told the woman, "I demand to speak to your supervisor."

"Hold, please." The woman said putting Peter on hold as music played from in Ub's stomache.

"Oh, Peter, I love this song." Lois said to Peter before turning to Ub, "Ub, open your mouth."

"Mm-mm." Ub replied shaking his head refusing to do what Lois told him to do.

"Open your mouth." Lois told Ub, who once again refused. Lois then determinely climbed onto the table to Ub and attempted to forcibly pry his mouth open with her mouth while Peter grabbed hold of him, "Open your mouth!" Lois was unintentionally causing a scene as everyone at their tables turned their attention towards her while Ub struggled to keep his mouth shut.

The next day, Brian arrived at the location where a scene for the movie he was no working on was; an ordinary house.

"Brian. Right on time, I like that." The producer greeted Brian after answering the front door after Brian knocked on it. He told Brian to come in, which Brian did before closing the door. "So...ready? Ready to shoot your first scene?"

"I sure am! Where's the set?" Brian then asked eager to begin work on the movie.

"Second door on your left." The producer told Brian leading him to the set.

In the house's bathroom, a naked man put on a robe and sat down in a chair reading his script just as the producer brought Brian to the bathroom, much to the latter's confusion.

"So...this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" Brian asked the producer hoping the project wasn't what he thought it actually was, but the producer didn't answer.

"Do I have to sleep with the dog in this one?" Jenna Jameson stepped up and asked the producer, who like the man earlier was also wearing a robe.

"Hey, can someone fluff Paul?" The cameraman asked as the male actor from earlier opened his robe to the cameraman. "He's got, like a windsock thing going on."

"So, this is some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" Brian repeated the same question, once again in worry over the situation he was now believing to have gotten himself into when he saw the male actor disrobe. "Look, Zack, I'm-I'm sorry. The-There's just no way I can do this. I mean, I-I've been around. You know? I've-I've licked my share of peanut butter. But...I-I just-I-I think you need to find yourself a new director."

"Are you sure?" The producer, Zack asked Brian.

"I just can't do this." Brian replied stepping out of the bathroom.

"Come on, is this any more degrading than washing cars?" Zack asked Brian, managing to get his attention as Brian stopped in the middle of the hallway. "At least here you can be creative."

"Look, I-I want to make this perfectly clear. There is absolutely no way that I would possibly consider doing this." Brian told Zack before spotting Jenna Jameson disrobing, revealing to be in nothing but a thong. "Unless I saw a script first."

"Of course." Zack said understanding as he took out a copy of the film's script and handed it to Brian for him to look at it.

Brian read through the script and from what he saw, he was impressed. "You know, this isn't bad."

"It's kind of like _Bang The Drum Slowly_ , except the drum's a chick." Zack explained.

Meanwhile, on that same day, the Griffins were driving through the streets of L.A. as they were passing through a highway.

"Peter, slow down." Lois told Peter. "Brian said he was gonna be on the set all day. Heh. 'On the set'. Listen to me. Two days in Hollywood and I sound like a contract player."

At that moment, they were pulled over by a lone police car.

"Aw, crap! The LAPD!" Peter exclaimed.

It then cut to Peter being beaten senselessly by the cops who pulled him over as he screamed in pain. Turns out, however, that it was actually part of a vacation video Lois was making on her video camera as she recorded the whole thing.

"Come on, Peter, I want to save some tape for the Hollywood sign." Lois told Peter where the cops stopped beating Peter.

"Okay." Peter told Lois, who went back to the car as he turned his attention to the cops. "Hey, thanks a lot, you guys."

"Hey, our pleasure. Have a nice vacation." One of the cops told Peter kicking him in the stomache before he and his partner went back to their car.

Back at the set of the porno Brian was now working on, the crew were filming Paul and Jenna Jameson make love offscreen.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Jenna cried out in intense passion offscreen.

"Cut!" Brian yelled, causing Paul and Jenna to stop along with the film crew. "Uh. Okay. Uh, nice take, Jenna." Brtian then stepped over to Paul's side of the bed. "But, uh, l-let's-let's try giving the lines a little subtext this time. Your husband's always away on business and you feel incredibly isolated and unloved. So, you begin to think, maybe you should go back to graduate school and finish your dissertation. And that's when you notice the cable man had taken his pants off."

A little while later, the Griffins arrive on the set of the movie Brian was working on, to their excitement, unaware of what the movie actually is.

"Ah, wow, a real movie set!" Peter said excited to be on the set of what he thinks is a blockbuster movie before taking a closer look around the place. "Hey, this house looks kind of familiar."

"It looks like our house." Friz pointed out.

"Yeah, but without a second floor." Ub pointed out as well.

"I'll bet Samuel L. Jackson is here. He's in everything." Chris said when he spotted Brian. "There's Brian!"

Brian was in the middle of a scene between Jenna and a black man, who turned out to be Samuel L. Jackson himself standing in front of a fireplace.

"Alright, now, Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace, I want you to enter from-" Brian told Samuel L. Jackson just as he soon noticed the Griffins were there, to his horror. "Oh, my God! Uh-Uh-Hey, you guys!"

"Hey, Brian, can I be in the movie?" Meg asked eagerly.

"Well, actually, one of the Jacuzzi girls didn't show up. How long can you hold your breathe underwater, sweetie?" A producer, who wasn't Zack, stepped up and asked Meg.

"Sweetie?!" Ub repeated displeased with the way the producer asked Meg.

"Real long." Meg answered. "One time at Hatch Pond-"

"No! Absolutely not! This is a closed set! You gotta leave!" Brian insisted turning to the same producer. "Get these people out of here, NOW!" Brian's order was backed up by both Ub and Stewie nodding in approval.

"Oh, what? Now that you're a big shot director, we embarrass ya?" Peter accused Brian.

"No! No! I...I...I-I mean yes!" Brian responded trying not to come off as insensitive to his family, but also not wanting them to stick around.

"Does anyone else smell astroglide?" Stewie asked.

Later that night, the Griffins were at the studio where the show "Kids Say the Darndest Things" was being filmed at for Stewie's appearance. Stewie was in his makeup room being prepared for the show.

"You're gonna look so handsome." Stewie's makeup artist told him.

"Ugh, look at these crow's feet." Stewie said looking in the mirror. "My God, you stay up past 7:30 and you pay for it in the morning."

"Who the hell does Brian think he is." Peter ranted about Brian kicking them out of the movie set earlier today.

"Well, m-maybe he thought we'd get in the way." Lois said believing that was Brian's intention. "I mean, it wouldn't be the first time you've disrupted a performance."

 **Cutaway #2**

It showed the musical Catz before suddenly, Peter crashed into the theater and accidentally ran over one of the actors.

"Oh, jeez! Oh, God! Oh, God, I-I didn't see it! It jumped right out in front of my car! Ah! I am so sorry!" Peter exclaimed in shock at what he did to everyone as if he had instead run over a regular cat.

 **End**

"I think we just have to face it, Peter. Brian's a big-time Hollywood director and we're just simple, small-town people." Lois told Peter facing the hard truth.

"Uh, alright, one more. One more. Uh, Rob Lowe." Stewie asked his makeupe artist.

"Straight." The makeup artist answered.

"No." Stewie said in response to his makeup artist's answer awestruck.

"Yes." The makeup artist confirmed.

"Come on-Stop!" Stewie said.

"Ho-hum." The makeup artist exclaimed.

"Pull over." Stewie said.

"Absolutely." The makeup artist said.

"Really?" Stewie asked.

"Yep." The makeup artist confirmed again.

"Oh,well, he hides it well." Stewie said.

"Yeah, he wishes." The makeup artist remarked.

The show started with its host, Bill Cosby with Stewie, who was in his sailor outfit as the audience apprauded, which died down soon after. Ub and Friz watched carefully from the stands for when Stewie would pull out the glasses.

"'Stewie'. That's a funny name. 'Stewie'. It's like 'stew', only with an 'eeee' at the end." Bill Cosby said making the audience laugh.

"Hmm." Stewie replied unimpressed with Bill Cosby's standup.

"I meant, it's funny, Stewie. You see, I had an uncle named Stewie, and he used to sell bicycles-" Bill Cosby said to Stewie.

"Look, I-I'm sorry, aren't you supposed to ask me a question?" Stewie asked Bill Cosby seeing how the latter was getting off track.

"Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?" Bill Cosby then asked Stewie.

"Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?" Stewie asked Bill Cosby.

"I love candy! When I was a little boy, we would play stickball!" Bill Cosby said reminiscing about his youth.

Neither didn't say anything to each other for a moment.

"Oh, no, no, I'll wait." Stewie sarcastically assured Bill Cosby. "Oh, you finished? I'm sorry, y-you know, it's my fault, really. I was under the impression the name of the show was 'Kids Say The Darndest Things', not 'Old Black Comedians Never Shut The Hell Up'. Ask me what I want to be when I grow up."

"And we also used to play buck-buck." Bill Cosby spoke at last unfazed by what Stewie had said to him earlier.

"Enough of your blather!" Stewie told off Bill Cosby having had enough of the nonsense before him and pulled out his glasses so that he can mind control as he put them on. "Good evening, world."

"He's got the glasses!" Friz said.

"Come on-" Ub said as he and Friz got up from their seats and were about to rush over and stop Stewie before they noticed Bill Cosby take Stewie's glasses away as he chuckled to himself.

"Whatcha got there? Oh, you're gonna go skiing now?" Bill Cosby asked Stewie.

"G-Give them back to me!" Stewie demanded as Bill Cosby put the glasses on. "They're of no use to you!"

"Oh, I'm goin' down the mountain!" Bill Cosby said pretending to go skiing.

The crowd ate this up as they laughed at Bill Cosby's silly behavior while Ub and Friz saw how the black comedian was unwittingly foiling Stewie's plans with minimal effort.

"No! D...Don't listen to him! T-That's not funny! That's just saying what happens when you go skiing!" Stewie told the audience before he tried to reach for the glasses, only to fall off his chair.

"Here I go, down the slope." Bill Cosby said continuing his standup routine while Stewie rubbed his bruised knee and the crowd continued laughing.

"Stop it! Stop applauding him! He's not even using real words anymore!" Stewie told the audience when he noticed Bill Cosby sitting down on the stand his chair was and climbed up his back to try and retrieve the glasses.

"We'll be back with a little girl from Atlanta, who skips rope with her sister's pigtails." Bill Cosby said, catching Stewie's attention.

"No, my segment's not over!" Stewie pleaded until Bill Cosby picked him up from behind and held him in front of him.

"Come on, little fella, you like to jump rope, don't ya?" Bill Cosby asked Stewie, unintentionally hypnotizing him with the glasses.

"I like jump rope." Stewie answered in tranced.

"Alright, so you're just gonna sit here and enjoy it." Bill Cosby said to Stewie.

"I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And _Ghost Dad_ was the best movie I've seen since _Leonard Part 6_." Stewie said under Cosby's unwitting orders before he fell asleep. The audience applauded while the segment ended.

"Well, I guess we won't have to worry about Stewie." Friz said to Ub.

"Yeah, this turned out better than I thought it would." Ub agreed.

Back at Jasper's apartment, Jasper was watching TV when Brian came in upset about how he treated his family earlier today.

"Good news! Good news!" Jasper said to Brian excitedly.

"What, more people I love think I'm an arrogant jerk?" Brian guessed rather unenthusiastically.

"You're more than that, Mr. 'Nominated for an Adult Movie Award for Best New Director'!" Jasper replied holding up Brian's invitation to the Adult Movie Awards.

"A Woody? I'm up for a Woody?" Brian asked actually excited about getting an award for his work.

"Come on, call your family. I'll bet they'll be really proud of you." Jasper suggested.

"No. I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut peddler." Brian said.

"Brian, they're your family." Jasper reassured Brian. "They'll love you, even if you made a couple of crappy movies. I mean, Blythe Danner still loves Gwyneth Paltrow. Ooo, score one for me!"

It cut to the Adult Movie Awards, which featured its own red carpet, limos full of directors, producers and celebrities coming out and greet people, who took their pictures.

"Welcome back to E!'s Adult Movie Awards preshow. It's a good crowd here tonight, Mom." Melissa Rivers said to the cameraman hosting the Adult Movie Awards with her mother, Joan Rivers.

"It sure is, Melissa. All the studs and sluts are arriving." Joan Rivers said to her daughter as she soon saw Brian having arrived with Jenna Jameson. "Brian! Brian!"

"Uh, hey." Brian greeted Joan Rivers.

"You're nominated for three of the seven films you directed yesterday. 'Add Momma to the Train'. 'The Purple Head of Cairo'. And, uh...w-what was the third one?"

"Uh, 'You've Got Male Genitalia'." Brian answered.

"You know, I was asked to star in a porno once. Yeah, but-but I couldn't, 'cause you know, most of my body is less than 18 years old *laughs*. I used to guest host _The Tonight Show_."

"Oh, yeah. What was that, like, 30 years ago?" Brian asked before noticing the cord on Joan River's microphone wasn't connected to anything. "Your mike isn't plugged in. You're...You're not even on television right now, are you?"

Joan Rivers glanced her eyes around before confessing to Brian, "In my mind" before breaking into tears.

Later on that night, the Adult Movie Awards were in the Nominations category, where porn star Ron Jeremy was announcing the nominees.

"The next award is for Best Original Score in an adult film. And the nominees are Ron Jones..." Ron Jeremy announced as the nominee, Ron Jones stood from his seat and waved to everyone, who were all applauding for him. "...Walter Murphy..." It then showed said nominee giving a thumbs up to everyone as he, too was applauded by everyone. "...and John Williams." It then showed John Williams himself of Star Wars fame crossing his finger and happy to have been nominated.

Brian was at the bar drowning his sorrows when a familiar voice was heard.

"Well, you've come a long way from hiding from the vaccuum cleaner." Lois's voice was heard, causing Brian to turn around and find Peter and Lois before him.

"Lois!" Brian exclaimed at seeing both Peter and Lois in the flesh.

"Hey, buddy. Hey, how are you, Alfred Hitchcock? Heh? Heh, you like that one, Dick Hertz? Heh? Eh, I'm sorry, I'm drunk." Peter drunkenly said to Brian with his arm around Lois.

"How-How did you guys know-?" Brian tried to ask.

"Jasper called." Lois answered. "Brian, why didn't you tell us?"

"I thought you'd be ashamed of me." Brian admitted turning away from them.

"Ah, you kiddin'? I oughta knock you out for not bringing me here sooner." Peter said to Brian. "Loon at the pair on that one, Lois. Bigger than your head."

"So, you guys aren't offended by this?" Brian asked surprised.

"Well, I can't say I approve, but...we love you." Lois said. "If this is what makes you happy, we support you."

"My God! I-I thought I needed to get away from you guys to find what was missing in my life, but...the only thing I'm missing is my family." Brian said having come to a realization. "How could I have ever become involved in this filthy, degrading business?"

Brian sank his head and placed his hands to his face in shame as Lois conforted him.

"And the award for Best New Director goes to...Brian Griffin." Ron Jeremy announced offscreen.

Brian suddenly cheered and ran over to the stage to accept his award, which was a golden statue of an erected penis that was blurred out.

"Woo! Oh-ho, wow! My God! Aha. This-This is unexpected." Brian said as he pulled out a list from his jacket. "I want to thank my incredible production team, who've been with me from 'Shaving Private Ryan' all the way to 'Welcome To My Face'."

Peter and Lois watched Brian's speech back at the bar.

"He lives with us back in Quahog." Lois told a nearby man.

"You got a nice wiggle, baby. You wanna be in a movie, heh? A little girl-girl action?" The man then offered to Lois.

Lois scoffed. "Peter!"

"Good luck, buddy. I've been barking up that tree for 17 years." Peter told the man before a sip of his wine.

The next day, The Griffins were heading back to Quahog. Among them was Brian, who decided to return to Quahog with them and move back in to their home.

"Well, that was a wonderful trip." Lois said to Brian, who was seated next to her, having enjoyed their vacation. "And everyone has something to remember it by."

Behind Lois were Chris, Meg and Lois, who all had souvenirs, including a pair of large sunglasses and a giant pencil for Chris, A T-shirt that read "Hollywood" for Meg, which was currently wearing, and a hat with a palm tree on top for Stewie. It then went behind them to show Peter, Ub and Friz, along with Jenna Jameson, who was tied up and gagged.

"You're gonna love it at our house, Jenna Jameson!" Peter told Jenna Jameson, who was only able to make muffled cries of horror.

"Should we do something about that?" Friz asked Ub.

"Maybe when we land?" Ub guessed.

 **The End**


	3. Mr Griffin Goes to Washington

**Opening Credits**

 _It seems today that all ya see_

 _Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

 _But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

 _On which we used to rely_

 _Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

 _Lucky there's a man who_

 _Positively can do_

 _All the things that make us_

 _Laugh n' Cry_

 _He's_

 _a_

 _Fam_

 _-ily_

 _Guy!_

 **End**

Lois came into Stewie's room to put away a few of his toys in his closet, where hanging on the back of the door to Lois' right were some of Stewie's weapons. Unlike how she usually acts oblivious to her son's activities, Lois actually recognized the weapons on the door.

"That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys." Lois remarked picking up a raygun and accidentally firing a hole in the back of the wardrobe. Lois peered through the hole and gasped at what she had discovered: Stewie's personal secret room where the rest of his technology and weapons were stored at. Lois entered into the hole to investigate the room. "Oh, my God. It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination!"

As she said that, there was slow clapping heard at the other end of the room. The sound was coming from behind a chair in a lit area, which span to reveal Stewie sitting on it applauding on Lois finally figuring out his secret.

"Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line." Stewie remarked.

"Stewie!" Lois exclaimed. "All these months I should've been paying attention to Ub and Friz about what you've been saying. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?!"

"Oh, cheer up, Mother. You should be proud." Stewie assured his mother. "You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!"

Stewie pressed a button on one of the arms of his chair, leading to a trap door opening underneath Lois, sending her down a bottomless pit as she screamed.

"Lois. Lois." Peter said to Lois, who then awoke from her nightmare. "What's the matter?"

"Ohh...I just had the strangest dream." Lois told Peter about her nightmare. "Something about Stewie and Cheerios, uh, huh? It's gone."

"Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox." Peter told Lois getting up from bed putting on a baseball cap. "Hey, Chris, Meg, Ub, Friz, we're goin' to Fenway!"

"YOU KNOW I HATE SPORTS!" Friz shouted from downstairs offscreen.

"Oh, come on, Friz-" Peter hollered to Friz.

"NOOO!" Friz shouted.

"Peter, you can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game." Lois said to Peter.

"Ah, there's nothin' these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street." Peter told Lois putting on his jersey.

 **Cutaway #1**

Two guys were waiting by a bus stop in downtown.

"It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?" One of the guy asked the other.

"Well, you tell me." The other guy told him. "Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?"

Guy #1 thought for a moment before coming up with his answer. "Depends if he stops to see his ho."

"That's what we call a variable." Guy #2 congratulated Guy #1 scratching his head.

 **End**

In the living room, Ub, Friz, Meg and Brian were waiting for Peter.

"Look what I made for the game!" Chris came in and said holding a sign that read 'John 3:16'.

"What's that mean, anyway?" Meg asked confused.

Brian then picked up and looked through a Bible for the verse. "'And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox!''"

"Dad, don't you have to work today?" Meg asked Peter, who walked into the living room all ready for the game.

"Hehe, it's nothin' like a little phone call can't take care of." Peter answered Meg's question as he picked up the phone and dialed to his boss, Mr. Weed at the Happy Go Lucky Toy Factory, resulting in a splitscreen of both Peter and Mr. Weed to pop up.

"Hello?" Mr. Weed asked answering his phone in his office.

"Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable." Peter told Mr. Weed, who expressed shock at the 'news'. "I'll see ya tomorrow. *hangs up the phone* Heh? Heh?"

"Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs." Brian said to Peter, where everyone except Ub and Friz gasped at Brian's words. "Too soon?"

"Who's FDR?" Ub asked unfamiliar to the historical figure Brian mentioned.

Sometime later, at Fenway Park, the pitcher managed to hit a foul ball as it headed for one of the stands.

"Here it comes, Jeremy!" A mother said to her son, who was in a wheelchair.

"I got it! I got it!" The boy said holding up his mitt for the ball. However, Peter soon caught the ball before it landed in the boy's mitt.

"Yes! Yeah! Whoo! All right! I'm the man! Ye-ee-ah!" Peter chanted returning to his seat.

"Great job, Mr. Griffin." Ub congratulated Peter. "That was pretty cool of you to catch that ball for that sick kid."

Ub then took the ball from Peter's hands before getting up from his seat and went over to said kid that Peter stole the ball from.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Peter asked confused by what Ub was doing.

"Here you go." Ub said to the boy in the wheelchair handing the ball back to him.

"Thank you." The boy thanked Ub, who returned to his seat.

Peter was still a little upset about Ub taking away the foul ball from him, but soon shrug it off deciding to instead spend the rest of the day with his family.

"This is great. We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get beat." Peter said.

 **Cutaway #2**

Mike Tyson was a participant at a elementary school spelling bee.

"Okay, Mike. The word again is 'onomatopoeia'." The judge told Mike Tyson.

"Uuuhh...C!" Mike Tyson spelled.

"I'm sorry, that's incorrect." The judge told Mike Tyson.

"Oh, dang." Mike Tyson exclaimed in defeat scratching the back of his head.

 **End**

Lois gave Peter a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm so glad you talked us into playing hooky." Lois said to Peter.

"Me, too." Peter agreed. "Maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run out into the field." After saying that, Peter removed his jersey.

"Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off." Lois refused.

"There, now they're old news." Peter said after lifting Lois' blouse and flashing her black bra covered chest to anyone who might be looking.

"Peter!" Lois exclaimed pulling her blouse back down in embarrassment.

Peter got up from his seat and ran down the steps cheering "Go, Sox!" before he tripped and tumbled down said steps. He rolled into a hot dog salesman on the way until he finally stopped. Ub and Friz ran over to Peter's aid.

"Mr. Griffin, are you okay?" Ub asked Peter.

Peter didn't answer and got up, where he found a hot dog up his nose. Intrigued, he snorted the hot dog up his nose and ate it when it reached his mouth.

"Eww..." Friz said in disgust.

Peter then picked up a bottle of mustard and squirted the contents of the bottle into his other nostril.

"Egh..." Both Ub and Friz said disgusted.

"Don't try that at home, folks." Ub soon told the audience about what Peter just did.

"Peter?" Mr. Weed said to Peter.

"Oh, uh-uh-uh, hi, Mr. Weed!" Peter nervously greeted his boss.

"Well, it seems you've made a full recovery." Mr. Weed remarked displeased.

"Oh, yeah. Yeah-uh-uh, that-that plane crash I told you about? It turned out to be gas." Peter lied.

"Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30." Mr. Weed ordered.

Peter went back up to his seat with Ub and Friz, visibly upset about having been caught by his boss. Brian had both a drink and a lit cigarette in each of his hands while Meg was eating popcorn.

"I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat." Peter complained.

"Weren't you the one who lied to him?" Ub asked calling Peter out.

"Yeah, but I-I want him to treat me like one of those deluxe ones from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw?" Peter continued with his rant on Mr. Weed.

"Mm, I don't care about Pottery Barn." Brian replied to Peter's rant.

"And what's Pottery Barn?" Friz asked.

"Anyway, Ub and Friz have a point, Peter, if you want Mr. Weed to respect you, you're gonna have to earn it." Brian told Peter handing a drink that he was holding.

"Hmm. Earn it." Peter said coming up with a way to earn Mr. Weed's respect as he moved the straw of the drink up his nose and snorted the drink.

"By not doing THAT with your nose." Friz insisted.

The next day, at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company, Peter entered Mr. Weed's office, where the latter was crying.

"Why have you forsaken me?" Mr. Weed wept while Peter stepped up to his desk.

"Uh, M-M-Mr. Weed...uh, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday." Peter lied. "And if you dont' buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday."

"Peter, I just recieved terrible news." Mr. Weeds informed Peter. "This company has been taken over by a conglomerate. After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated!"

"Wow, the business world sure is funny." Peter remarked.

 **Cutaway #3**

It cut to Dilbert from the UPN show of the same name at his workplace when one of his co-workers approached him.

"Hey, Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management?" The co-worker asked Dilbert.

"I don't know. What do you call it?" Dilbert asked curious.

"A promotion." The co-worker answered delivering the punchline.

"Oh. Thanks. Here's a memo." Dilbert said handing the co-worker said memo. Both the co-worker and Dilbert left to do their work elsewhere.

 **End**

"Well, sometimes, the business world is funny." Peter said.

Later that same day, the conglomerate that bought the factory, the El Dorado Cigarette Company, were meeting their new workers.

"And so, on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company, I'd like to welcome you to our family." The president of the company told everyone. "I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made."

The workers were immediately pleased with the new additions to their work area. Such additions were a ping pong table, a billiards table, a pinball machine, etc.

"Ah, this is sweet!" Peter said to all of the new stuff when he spotted a built in window. "Hey, why are you puttin' a window in the middle of the factory?"

"So Aunt Bea has a place to let her pies cool." The construction worker who installed the window told Peter.

"Hello, boys." Aunt Bea from _The Andy Griffith Show_ came up on the other side of the window and greeted the men while placing down a hot pie she was carrying on the windowsil. "Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch."

"Wow, these guys sure know how to run a company." Peter said to a co-worker.

Unbeknownst to the workers, however, the new group of business men in charge of the factory looked on at them through their office with evil intent.

"Look how happy those morons are." The president told the other men. "They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes." All of the men in the room laughed maniacally at their plan, but they all stopped when the president whistled for his pet poodle, who came over to him by command. "Good boy, Connor." He handed Connor to one of the execs while another opened the window as the president then took out a shotgun. "Pull." The exec holding Connor threw the dog out the window where the president shot the dog, whom yelped offscreen. After they did the horrendous deed, the men continued their evil laughter.

The Griffins (except Peter) were now having dinner, but they were waiting for Peter to come home from work. They were getting bored and hungry from waiting.

"Can't we eat? I'm so hungry, I could ride a horse." Chris asked Lois until he realized the error he made in the figure of speech he said. "I don't get it. Well, I can ride it to the store, I guess."

"I don't think that's how it goes." Friz pointed out to Chris.

"I told you we're not starting without your father." Lois reminded Chris. "Dinner just isn't dinner without him."

"Ohh, well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience." Stewie offered where he slammed his face into his plate of mashed potatoes, shaking his head causing chunks of mashed potato to fly off in different directions and making exaggerated eating noises. He rose his head and started doing multiple raspberries at everyone.

"Hey, family." Peter greeted everyone walking into the kitchen with a crate of live lobsters. "Anyone in the mood for lobste-" As Peter placed the crate of lobsters down on the table, one of them snipped its claw at Peter's eye. "Ow, ow, ow, oh, God, one of them has my pupil!" The family went to Peter's aid to get the lobster's claw off his eye. Lois grabbed the lobster and pulled it off, releasing Peter's eye from its grasp without damaging it.

"Peter, how the hell can you afford lobster on your salary?" Brian asked Peter how where he got the crate of lobsters.

"Oh, no, you didn't do another welfare scam, did you?" Ub asked Peter worried that history was repeating itself.

"Don't worry, it's perfectly legal." Peter reassured Ub as Brian took from his glass of water. "I got a raise."

Brian did a spittake at what he heard Peter say. "What?!"

"Yeah, the new owners gave everyone raises." Peter explained. "Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk with the heart of gold."

 **Cutaway #4**

Peter entered the mailroom to check and see if he had any mail.

"Hi, Kenneth." Peter greeted Kenneth, who was looking through some papers. "Hey, did I get any mail?"

"No!" Kenneth answered before pulling out a knife and then threatening Peter with it. "But if you come any closer, I'll slice you!"

"Okay! Okay!" Peter said backing off and leaving the mailroom where he ran into one of his co-workers. "Man, what a badass."

"Yeah? Well, that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans." The co-worker pointed out to Peter. "Orphans with diseases."

Peter looked back at Kenneth, who was signing some papers and nodded in respect to his good deed.

 **End**

"And check out the new toys we're making." Peter told everyone taking out a baby doll and handing it to Meg.

"'Baby Smokes-A-Lot'?" Meg read the name of the toy on the doll's back and pressed the red button below.

The baby doll's arm moved up to its mouth, acting as though it were smoking the plastic cigarete in its hand and even blowing out smoke-like material before it giggled and said "Tastes like happy".

"Cool! That's imitatable!" Chris said.

"What the hell?" Brian asked taking the doll from Meg and examining the label printed on the doll's bottom. "El Dorado Cigrarettes? That's who bought your company?"

"Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children!" Lois said acknowledging the malicious intent behind the company's toys.

"Who's El Dorado Cigarettes?" Ub asked.

"I'll tell you who they are, they're bastards who turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their subliminal advertising." Brian told Ub.

 **Cutaway #5**

It showed the main human characters from the 1950s television series _Lassie_ washing dishes.

"Timmy, where's Lassie?" The mother asked her son.

"She's out in the orchard, Ma." Timmy told his mother. "Peaches are coming in mighty early this year."

It then cut to a man in a white void.

"Smoke." The man instructed before cutting back to the mother and son.

"You know what they say, Timmy. 'Early peaches, long summer'." Timmy's mother told him.

"Smoke."

It cut back to the show where the titular dog, Lassie entered the kitchen.

"What's that, Lassie?" Timmy asked Lassie.

"Are you smoking yet?"

 **End**

"Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's okay." Lois told Peter. "You have to talk to your new bosses of yours first thing in the morning."

"Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set them straight." Peter assured Lois. "Just like I did with Chris."

 **Cutaway #6**

Peter and Chris were on a boat watching a whale jump out of the water.

"Dad, what's the blowhole for?" Chris asked Peter.

"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld." Peter told Chris.

 **End**

The next day, Peter approached his new bosses in their office to talk to them about the toys they're producing.

"Gentlemen, we need to talk." Peter told his bosses. "My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke."

"Oh, that's just not true." The president reassured Peter.

"W-W-What about this toy?" Peter asked taking out the doll he brought home last night and presenting it to him.

"Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette." The president told Peter. "I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old driving. They're just fun toys."

"Smoke." The man from the previous cutaway appeared next to the president instructing Peter.

"Not now, Jerry." The president told off the man, who got up from his seat and walked off. The president turned back to Peter. "Trust me, Peter, the last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking."

"Well, the-then, then what about that graph on the wall that says: 'The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking'?" Peter then asked pointing to said graph on the wall behind him.

"That? Oh. That's just something my son made me in art class." The president lied.

"Huh. W-Well, th-the-then what about that poster that says: 'The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking'?" Peter asked again, this time pointing at a poster next to the graph from before, which further contradicted the president's claims.

"Look, we're a caring company." The president stated to Peter. "I mean, uh, would you really be the president of a company that didn't care about kids?"

"No. But I'm not the president." Peter answered.

"Yes. You are. If you wanna be." The president told Peter.

The other men in the room agreed with the president's idea.

"Oh, wow. Imagine, me , president." Peter said imagining himself instead as the President of the United States in his office smiling as he did a Can Can like dance before snapping back into reality. "I'll do it!"

Later, at dinnertime that same day, Peter returned home from work and entered the kitchen chanting.

"So, how did it go?" Lois asked Peter.

"Uh, uh, I'm not finished yet." Peter told Lois finishing his singing before turning back to her. "Aren't ya gonna ask me how it went?"

"Yes!" Lois exclaimed. "Did you talk to the company executives-" Peter then cut her off singing again. "Peter, answer me!"

"Yeah, I did!" Peter told Lois. "And they made me president!"

"Of the whole company?" Meg asked.

"All right, Dad!" Chris congratulated his father high-fiving him.

"You should've seen the way they were treated me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before." Peter said.

 **Cutaway #7**

Peter was a lifeguard at a local public pool where a young fat boy climbed out.

"Great workout, Bobby." Peter congratulated the boy.

"Up yours, sack breath!" The boy insulted Peter.

"That's 'Mr. Griffin'." Peter corrected the boy seemingly oblivious to what the latter called him.

 **End**

"But Peter, why would they make you President?" Lois asked Peter confused by his new promotion.

"Well, maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second." Peter assumed before suddenly he yelped.

"Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise." Lois pointed out to Peter calling him out on his word.

"Jeez, Lois, I-I thought you'd be proud of me." Peter argued with Lois. "After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Just wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get."

The next day, at James Woods High, Meg was by her locker when she noticed a less appealing looking girl standing next to her as she closed her locker.

"Um, hi. Can I help you?" Meg awkwardly greeted the girl.

"Yeah, some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison." The girl explained.

"That's ridiculous. I don't need-" Meg said outraged until a boy came up to her and asked her if she got less ugly, causing her to wrap her arm around the girl. "Yeah!"

Sometime later, at the Griffin household, Peter was covering Lois's eyes, who was excited about the living room having been remodeled by El Dorado Cigrarettes.

"Surprise!" Peter exclaimed removing his hand from her eyes.

Lois saw that the living room appeared untouched. "Uh, everything looks the same."

"Oh, it looks the same. But actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon. So, it's easy to clean." Peter told Lois.

"Ooohh." Lois exclaimed impressed as the family took a step forward, but soon slipped onto the floor, which was also coated in Teflon.

"Huh. Maybe I shouldn't have had them do the floors." Peter said regretting his decision of having the floors coated.

"I'm 'Nudes on Ice'!" Stewie said sliding across the floor naked.

The next day, the family except Peter was having breakfast in the kitchen. Everyone except Ub, Friz and Brian, who was smoking himself, were loving their new life in luxery.

"Oh, this is so exciting. Your father's first day as president." Lois said to her kids.

"Good morning, First Family." Peter entered the kitchen and greeted his family as he took a sip of coffee. "Ooo, Lois, what's in this coffee?"

"Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them." Lois explained as she turned to her left. "The coffee is delicious, Martha." It then panned to the right and showed Martha Stewart herself standing between Lois and Brian sipping some coffee herself.

"A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans." Martha Stewart said. "It's a good thing."

"Uh, how long was she there?" Ub asked not noticing Martha Stewart in the kitchen with them until Lois brought it up.

"Well, I think it's a crappy thing!" Brian disagreed with Martha. "In fact, this is my last cigarette ever." Brian took one last huff of his cigarette and put it out on the toast on his plate.

"Way to go, Brian!" Friz cheered for Brian on quitting smoking.

"Thank you, Friz." Brian thanked Friz before turning his attention back to the rest of the family with disgust. "You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks."

"I agree." Friz agreed.

"Oh, I beg to differ." Stewie disagreed as it panned over to him being massaged.

It then showed Peter arriving to work and entering the parking lot, where a valet was waiting for him.

"Oh, you don't need to park her, Mr. Griffin. You have an executive parking space now." The valet informed Peter as it panned to said parking space reading "Reserved for Peter Griffin" and Peter and the valet walk by it.

"But, that looks exactly like my old parking space." Peter pointed out to the valet not really seeing much difference.

"Yeah, this one comes with your own company suck-up." The valet explained showing him said suck-up standing in front of them waiting for him.

"Morning, Mr. Griffin." The suck-up greeted Peter walking alongside him. "Nice day."

"Eh, it's a little cloudy." Peter said.

"It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years." The suck-up quickly agreed. "So, good news about the Yankees."

"I hate the Yankees." Peter said.

"Pack of cheaters. That's what they are." The suck-up agreed immediately. "I love your tie."

"I hate this tie." Peter said.

"It's awful, it's gawdy, it's gotta go." The suck-up agreed again.

Peter stopped and came up with another sentence for the suck-up. "I hate myself."

"I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap!" The suck-up immediately agreed.

"But I'm the president." Peter then pointed out to the suck-up.

"The best there is." The suck-up agreed.

"But you just said you hated me." Peter called out the suck-up.

"But...not...you, the...president, the you who said you hated you...you who love, hate, Yankees, clouds-" The suck-up tried to rebuttle, causing him to shake uncontrollably and his head exploded, revealing to be a robot.

"I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir." The valet informed Peter.

After that, Peter was shown his new office by the president of El Dorado Cigarettes.

"Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you. *click*" The president told Peter and left.

Peter entered his new office, which was actually Mr. Weeds.

"Wow. My own office." Peter exclaimed at his new workplace as he took a seat in what used to be 's chair at his desk. "Well, I guess I better get busy."

Peter took out three pencils from the pencil holder and sharped all three in the pencil sharpener. Peter sighed in boredom, thinking of what to do next. He then stuck his finger into the sharpener and retracted from the pain. He then thought of something else to stick into the pencil sharpener, which involved him unzipping his pants. It then cut to the outside of his office where the secretary outside was working. Suddenly, Peter screamed in pain, catching the unwanted attention of the secretary, who sat there confused about what just happened in there.

In the board room, the gentlemen were having lunch.

"Gentlemen, we have a problem." The president informed all the men in the room. "There's an anti-smoking bill before Congress that could put us out of business."

"Yes, apparently, causing cancer is this year's 'hot button'." One of the business said.

"I don't understand it." The president said confused as he looked out the window at the work floor outside before turning back to the board. "We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns."

It then showed said wisecracking leprechaun sitting at the table.

"Excuse me, do you have a dollar? I'm a little short." The leprechaun asked the businessman next to him before cracking a joke.

"Maybe that's the problem." One of the businessmen theorized. "They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to."

All the men at the table agreed to the man's idea.

"But where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid?" The president asked.

"Yeah, and not just stupid, fat, too." One of the men agreed, along with the other businessmen.

"Hey, wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president?" The same man who came up with the idea soon asked.

"You bet we did." The president answered the man. "Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is...That Guy!"

It showed Peter about to stick his tongue into the spinning blades of a fan. But he soon stopped when he heard what the president said where a montage played in a parody of the opening credits to the 1960s sitcom _That Girl_.

 _Diamonds, daisies_

 _Snowflakes, That Guy_

Peter was dressed as the show's protagonist as he was traveling to New York City.

 _Chestnuts, rainbows_

 _Springtime..._

Peter arrived in New York and looked at the buildings in awe.

 _Is That Guy_

 _He's tinsel on a tree_

A pigeon flew over Peter and dropped its dropping onto the latter's face.

 _He's everything_

 _That every guy should be_

Peter strolled through downtown where he came across a window display of a mannaquin that resembled him.

 _Sable, popcorn_

 _White wine, That Guy_

Peter greeted the mannequin in the window display, which winked at him, to his horror, causing him to run away on open traffic.

 _Gingham, bluebirds_

 _Broadway..._

 _Is That Guy_

Peter was flying a kite through Central Park.

 _He's mine alone_

 _But luckily for you_

Suddenly, a thief popped out of the bushes and snatched Peter's purse and ran away. Peter chased after the thief.

 _If you find a guy to love_

Peter tackled the thief and started beating the crap out of him before it cut to him with a magenta umbrella and was wearing a magenta dress.

 _Only one guy to love_

 _Then he'll be That Guy, too._

The montage finished with Peter doing some upper body poses in a white sweater.

 _That Guy!_

Peter was called into the board room to talk with the president.

"So, uh, what's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad?" Peter asked ending his question with a pun.

The president laughed in amusement at Peter's joke. "'Chairman of the Broad'. When did you become such a stitch?"

"Don't you remember? You gave me writers." Peter reminded the president panning to two writers behind Peter, who handed him a script. "'Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, but when you walk into a bank, all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!''"

The president didn't respond to Peter's quip, nor laughed, for that matter, to Peter's dismay.

"That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish." Peter turned to his writers and asked them.

"Well, he's only half Jewish." One of them pointed out while pointing to his partner.

"You're fired." Peter told them as they sadly left the room.

"Here's the thing, Griffin. Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down." The president then explained to Peter the task he was giving to him. "We need someone important, like you, to go down to Washington and help those bastards see what kind of fun-loving people the tobacco industry's really made of."

"Washington? Aw, sweet. Hey, I'm your man." Peter told the president quickly accepting the task. "But I gotta warn you, I made some enemies on the Hill.

 **Cutaway #8**

Peter was giving testimony at the 1991 confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas.

"And that's when Clarance Thomas forced me into his chambers... *sniffs* ...and showed me lewd pictures." Peter whimpered.

"Mr. Griffin, we have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarance Thomas, y-you've never even been in the same state. How do you respond to that?" A man of the jury called out Peter over his false accusations.

Peter glanced his eyes back and forth in nervousness before suddenly grabbing the microphone shouting "Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! Baba Booey! Baba Booey!", until he was dragged away by security.

 **End**

When night rose, the Griffins were having dinner, which was being served by Martha Stewart.

"How long is Dad gonna be in Washington?" Meg asked Lois.

"As long as it takes." Lois answered Meg's question with newfound respect for Peter's position as Martha Stewart placed a slice of ham onto Lois's plate. "He's a very important man now. You know, he's the spokesman for his entire industry."

"He is?" Ub and Friz asked somewhat surprised.

It then showed a montage of several magazine covers featuring Peter as said spokesman of the tobacco industry. Such covers were of him waterskiing, mostly on top of a woman waterskiing; A cowboy on horseback staring at a canyon with a cigarette in his mouth; him offering a smoke while his mouth was shaped like a camel's muzzle and was in a suit; and lastly, him sitting at a table and sharing a laugh with two women.

It then cut back to the Griffins watching TV while Martha Stewart was cleaning.

"Thank you, Martha." Lois thanked Martha Stewart before she turned to Brian sitting next to her, who seemed pissed. "Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?"

"Piss off." Brian bitterly responded.

"What?!" Lois exclaimed in offense to Brian's response.

"I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just...feels like forever since I've had a smoke." Brian soon apologized and explained.

"Brian, it's only been three days." Friz pointed out to Brian.

"I know, I'm...I'm just a little testy-STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!" Brian continued before letting out his frustration at Meg.

Meanwhile, at Washing, D.C., during the night, Peter spotted who he believed were a group of presidents and other government officials standing outside the White House, spying on them in his car. Peter then called the president of El Dorado Cigarettes.

"He-Hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were tellin' me about. I'll shoe them a good time and get 'em to come around to our side." Peter told his boss on the phone before hanging up and driving over to the presidents and goverment officials. "Uh, e-excuse me. Uh...A-Al Gore, George W. Bush?"

"Yes?" Each president answered in response.

"Ah, great." Peter said satisfied. "A-A-And what's your friend's name?"

"Dick Armey." Gore answered.

Peter, in response, broke out laughing at Gore's answer, mistakening it for a crude joke. "Oh, Go-No, no, seriously, what's his name?"

"Dick Armey." Gore repeated his answer, making Peter break out into laughter once more. It took Gore a second before he realized what Peter was laughing at. "Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, I just got it." Dick Armey, on the other hand, did not find it amusing that his name was used as a crude joke and gave Gore a bitter look.

"Hey-Hey, Armey. Hey, what's your wife's name? 'Vagina Coast Guard'?" Peter then asked Dick Armey poking fun at him before laughing again. "Ah, nah, I'm kiddin', you guys. Er-Er, get in the car. We're goin' to a skin bar."

All men agreed eager to see naked women and entered Peter's car. The strip club they went was called the Oval Orifice, in downtown. However, it showed a senator panicking in front of a dead stripper.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" The senator panicked repeatedly before coming to a halt as Peter went over to his aid. "I-I don't know what happened!"

"Whoa, whoa, it's-it's okay. It's okay, Senator." Peter calmed the senator down. "This girl didn't have a family. It'll be like she never existed. *grabs the senator by the arms* Now, grab a hold of yourself. *lets go of the senator's arms* All right, now-now, listen. You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with a stool. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. *turns head to Al Gore* But I tell you what didn't kill her. *pulls out pack of cigarettes* Smoking."

Al Gore was impressed by Peter's bribe to cover up the stripper's unintended murder. "You have our support, Griffin."

Some time later, at the Griffin house in the afternoon, the family was reading magazines.

"Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey! And they're both 'Smokin'!'" Lois informed her children and showed the article that featured Peter and Jim Carrey together. "Hehehe, I loved that in Mask."

"Don't you mean 'The Mask'?" Ub asked Lois.

"What difference does it make?" Lois asked back and when Ub didn't respond back, she repeated saying the word "Smokin'!" several times.

"Damnit, do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?!" Brian snapped.

"Yeah, I was starting to get annoyed by her repeating that line, too. Thanks, Brian." Ub thanked Brian, but the latter ignored him.

"But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!" Brian instead lashed out at Meg.

"Faces don't smell." Ub defended Meg before he turned to Lois. "Do they?"

"Mom!" Meg said to Lois.

"Now, honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine." Lois said to both Meg and Ub while Brian stood there looking guilty for his act.

"Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And he said ti through a hole in his throat." Chris told Lois.

"Well, that doesn't make him right." Lois told Chris in denial.

"If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!" Chris said.

"Chris, you could die trying that." Friz pointed out to Chris.

"Listen, your father's doin' great work and life's never been better." Lois said to Chris defending Peter.

"Yes, I, too, applaude the oaf for finally showing some initiative." Stewie agreed with Lois taking out a case of cigarettes from his overalls and began to smoke one of them. "God knows he was years overdue."

Lois gasped in horror at Stewie smoking.

"Mm. Oh, you know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten faaaat." Stewie said to everyone.

"Oh, my God! Stewie, no!" Lois exclaimed reaching over to Stewie and removing the lit cigarette out of his mouth before dropping it to the floor and putting it out with her foot. "Oh, God, what have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but-but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart?"

"Yes." Ub and Friz answered calling her out.

"Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!" Lois ordered her children as they all exited the house.

"Finally." Martha Stewart said sighing in relief as she broke wind.

Back in Washington, D.C., at Capital Hill, funky music played where it showed a parody of Bill from _School House Rock_.

[Bill]

 _They call me Bill_

 _Yes, they call me Bill_

 _And I'm standing here on Capital-_

Suddenly, Bill was picked off from the steps by a janitor, who was busy picking trash off Capitol Hill.

Inside, Peter was meeting with several senators and governors, who were all here for the Tobacco Vote. Among them was Bob Dole.

"Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style." Bob Dole said to Peter approved. He then repeated his name multiple times, which caused him to fall asleep, much to both Peter and a couple other men's confusion.

"There you are!" Lois called out to Peter from behind holding Stewie. "Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be apart of this anymore."

"Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano." Peter joked as it then cut to a live-action Alyssa Milano sitting at home watching the very scene on her TV. Needless, to say, she did not take it well.

"What kind of cheap shot... Joel!" Alyssa said to her lawyer.

"I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it." Joel reassured Alyssa, who was already making the call to the show.

It cut back to Peter.

"Mr. Griffin, time for your speech." An aide informed Peter as the vote was about to begin.

"But, Peter, what about your son?" Lois asked Peter presenting Stewie in front of him.

"So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions. For God's sake, Lois, he's 1. Cut the umbelical cord." Peter said to Lois.

Peter was now at the podium ready to give his speech to Congress.

"Ladies and gentlemen of Congress. I am here today to talk to you about smoking." Peter told everyone.

Lois was watching Peter on among the many people gathered in Capital Hill.

"Oh, please, Peter. Do the right thing." Lois said hoping Peter would have a change of heart.

"I know a lot of you are already on my side." Peter said as he looked behind him and winked to both Al Gore and Dick Armey, who each gave a thumbsup in response. "And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you. Come Oooon! Come Oooon!"

The Congressmen were all confused at first by Peter's manner, but soon gave in.

"Thank you, ladies and-" Peter almost said until he and everyone else heard Stewie coughing. "A-And-"

Stewie was coughing hard, to Lois's dismay. He then spotted a pack of cigarettes in a nearby man's coat pocket. "Baby needs to suck ash!" Stewie swiped a cigarette from the man's pack and took out his lighter to smoke. "Baby needs to suck ash!" A man in the other side then reached his arm out to Stewie. "Not 'ass', you pervert. Save it for the interns."

"Is that a baby?" Peter asked looking out into the audience to see who was coughing and saw it was Stewie. "Oh, my God, that's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore, cigraettes are bad!"

Mr. Harrison, the president of El Dorado Cigarettes, was displeased with Peter blowing it.

"Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice!" A man behind Mr. Harrison spoke up rising from his seat. "It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air! And according to recent polls, air is good!"

Another man rose from his seat and spoke up about the dangers of smoking. "Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!"

The same man who spoke up then took Peter's place at the podium. "Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere for what happens when you try to corrupt our youth by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars!"

"That's the spirit, Frank. But I think a real number might be more effective." Another man told the other man from before standing next to him before stepping further to the audience. "All in favor of fining El Dorado Cigarettes $100 million, say aye!"

Everyone in Congress said aye in agreement, much to Mr. Harrison's dismay.

"But that'll bankrupt us!" Mr. Harrison said.

Peter then took the stand once more to deliver a final line to Mr. Harrison and El Dorado Cigarettes.

"Oh, you mean the way you've morally bankrupted America?" Peter said with everyone laughing at his joke. Peter then turned to the writers who worked for him earlier in the episode. "Thanks for the zinger, boys. Now, give me a snappy line to go out on."

"Actually, our lunch is here." One of the writers said as they left Peter to come up with a line on his own.

"Uh...Well, that's my mama!..." Peter said, ending it with nervous laughter. There was a moment of awkward silence until Peter just walked right out of there.

The family drove back home to Quahog, where Brian was sticking his head out the window in the same manner a dog would on a car ride, though it turned out he was secretly smoking, hoping the family wouldn't notice.

Before the episode ended, however, it showed the Griffins and Ub and Friz backstage greeting the viewer/reader while Peter was sitting in a chair.

"Hi, I'm Peter Griffin." Peter greeted the viewer/reader. "You know, we had a lot of laughs tonight. But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negociate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'Cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone."

The episode then ended with the Griffins and Ub and Friz waving the viewer/reader goodbye as it cut to black.

 **The End**


	4. One If By Clam, Two If By Sea

**Opening Credits**

 _It seems today that all ya see_

 _Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

 _But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

 _On which we used to rely_

 _Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

 _Lucky there's a man who_

 _Positively can do_

 _All the things that make us_

 _Laugh n' Cry_

 _He's_

 _a_

 _Fam_

 _-ily_

 _Guy!_

 **End**

It was 1977, where the Drunken Clam was open. Inside were younger versions of Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland. Peter had long hair that reached to his neck, Quagmire was dressed similarly to Elvis and Cleveland was thinner, shirtless, had no shoes on and had an afro and biker mustache.

"Here you go, boys." The bar's owner, Horace told the trio handing them their beer on a tray.

"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace, who went back to the bar after the three took their beers. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy. I'm gonna go places."

"Oh, that's cool." Cleveland said as they all clang their mugs together.

Years later, it was now 1984, where there was a DeLorean parked outside the Drunken Clam. Inside were Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland. However, there were now wearing different outfits than before. This time Peter was in a red jacket with zippers all over, white shirt and black pants and shoes and had an 80s haircut, Quagmire was wearing a pink button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and was wearing a white undershirt underneath, dark gray pants and had small facial hair, and Cleveland had dreadlocks while he had his signature mustache and was wearing blue workout clothes.

"Here you go, boys." Horace said to them handing their drinks on a tray.

"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace as the trio took their drinks and Horace went back to the bar. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places."

"Oh, that's fly." Cleveland said as the trio clang their drinks together, just like they did back in 1977.

It then finally reached to present day 2001, where Peter, Quagmire and Cleveland sitting at the spot they had sat at for the past 24 years, but this time, Joe was part of the circle.

"Here you go, boys." Horace told the guys handling Peter and Cleveland their refills.

"Thanks, Horace." Peter thanked Horace as he and Cleveland took their refills while Horace went back to the bar. "So, I told my boss I'm not stayin' at that stupid toy factory. I'm gonna go places."

"Oh, you are livin' la vida loca." Cleveland said.

"Well, it's late. I better head home." Joe said checking the time on his watch.

"What do you mean 'home'? You guys live here." Horace jokingly remarked passing by the group, who laughed.

"Yeah, here's to the Drunken Clam, boys, where they ask for proof of age and neither do I." Quagmire cheered as they clang their drinks together.

"Quagmire, you forgot to say 'oh'." Cleveland pointed out to Quagmire.

"Wha, are you sure? I-I think I did. Alright, well, just to be say. Oh!" Quagmire said taking Cleveland's word.

"We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin on the approach of Hurricane Norman." Diane Simmons on Channel 5 News announced on the TV at Horace's bar, who was busy rinsing glasses.

"Here with an update is Greg, the Weather Mime." Tom Tucker said as it cut to said mime, who acted like...well, a mime. "Okay, It-It's gonna be cold. Very cold. A-A-And there's gonna be wind. And people's parents will throw fecal matter down at them from the rooftops. How awful!"

Greg the Weather Mime gave Tom an annoyed look to indicate that Tom got the last part wrong.

"Oh, no, I-I'm sorry, that's-that's rain. Y-Yes. It'll rain." Tom then corrected himself.

We then cut to the Griffin house later after Peter got home as rain poured from outside. Inside, the family (except Peter) were upstairs between Peter and Lois' bedroom and the bathroom with a lantern, some sheets and flashlight.

"Remember, the number one cause of injury during a hurricane is broken glass. So, stay away from the windows." Lois instructed her children before turning her attention to Peter. "And Peter, put those away."

"Aw, come on, Lois, just one more song." Peter said to Lois as he shown playing a glass harp.

"Okay, but why don't we just shelter in me and Friz's room?" Ub asked Lois.

"Because there's still the small window down there." Lois reminded Ub.

"Mom, I'm afraid that if I fall asleep, the hurricane's gonna sneak up on me and give me a vasectomy." Chris told Lois in concern for his well being.

"Chris, it's a hurricane, not a doctor." Friz told Chris.

"Relax, Chris, nothin' bad ever happens when you're asleep." Peter walked over and reassured Chris. "In fact, sometimes good things can happen."

 **Cutaway #1**

Peter and Lois were asleep in their room where Peter was having a dream.

"Oh, Jeni." Peter said in his sleep, which woke Lois and caught her attention. "Jeni. Oh, yeah, Jeni, don't stop."

Lois rose up and wanted to give Peter a piece of her mind.

"Oh, Richard Jeni...your HBO comedy specials have brought pleasure to millions." Peter then said.

Lois was relieved and satisfied that Peter wasn't dreaming of another woman behind her back and went back to sleep.

"And what a sweet ass." Peter then said, much to Lois's surprise.

 **End**

Outside showed a sign reading "Women's Hurricane Shelter" atop of the door of Quagmire's house, where a couple of women entered.

"Right this way, everyone." A priest standing outside the door told the women.

"Bless you for helping us, Father." A woman thanked the priest.

"It's God's wish, my dear." The priest told the woman as she entered the house. The priest removed his mask, revealing to be Quagmire in disguise. "He, he, alright."

It then cut back to Channel 5 News.

"Well, Hurricane Norman is beginning to pound Quahog." Diane Simmons reported. "We now go live to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa, for a look at how locals are dealing with the imminent disaster. Tricia?"

It cut to Tricia Takanawa wearing a trenchcoat standing outside at a local suburban neighorhood.

"Diane, I'm here at-" Tricia almost reported before getting hit by a flying car from behind.

It then cut back to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.

"Thank you, Tricia." Diane thanked Tricia despite the latter having gotten hit from behind by a car that most likely would've killed her and without concern. "Stay tuned for further-"

Suddenly, Greg the Weather Mime was flung into Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons, knocking them both off their seats.

Hurricane Norman was then occurring on Quahog as several bits of debris, such as boxes, newspapers, trees and even a hurrican shelter were all being dragged by the strong winds. The next morning, long after Hurricane Norman had passed, the entire town was trashed, especially Spooner Street, where the Griffins stepped out and witnessed the mess before them.

"Whoa. So, this must be what the aftermath of a hurricane looks like." Ub said seeing how half the neighborhood was destroyed. "I never thought it would be like this."

"Yeah, what a mess!" Lois agreed with Ub.

"Look at that!" Meg said pointing to a tree with a fence board skewered through it.

"Wow." Brian exclaimed at seeing the family's car also skewered by several boards of wood.

Suddenly, Peter screamed in pain stepping away from behind the car with a board of wood also skewered through him, much to the family's horror.

"For the love of God!" Peter screamed as the family panicked about his condition while Stewie smiled at his pain. "Oh, God! Gotcha." Peter then revealed the wood was actually like that of a headband with two halves of an arrow at each end as he showed it his family. "Heheheh, see, kids? Natural disasters have their lighter sides, too. You just have to be creative."

"Yeah, like my dead rat marionette theater." Chris said pulling out two dead rats with strings tied to their heads and front paws from puppet handles since they were technically the puppets. "'I'm so stressed. Life sure is a human race.'"

The family all laughed at Chris's joke, while Ub and Friz were left disturbed by it, unsure of whether to join in on the laugh or not.

Later that day, Peter and the guys drove around downtown on their way to the Drunken Clam, hoping it was still standing after Hurricane Norman.

"Oh, my...look at all the damage." Cleveland said witnessing all the debris and buildings barely standing.

"Thank God, the Open Air Debris Garden is still intact." Peter sighed in relief seeing the Open Air Debris Garden pass by unscathed.

"Peter, look! The Clam!" Cleveland alerted Peter, who slammed the brakes and got out of the car, followed by the guys.

"This is horrible!" Peter fretted at seeing the Clam having possibly been destroyed during the hurricane with only the sign and a large pile of debris remaining when Horace walked up to the four with a suitcase.

"You think this is horrible, try losing a testicle in a knife fight with your mother!" Horace told Peter.

"What about your bar?" Cleveland asked Horace.

"It's not my bar anymore. I sold the place." Horace told Cleveland. "Let someone else worry about hurricanes."

"Who'd buy a wrecked bar?" Joe asked confused about the worth of a destroyed bar.

"The bar's not wrecked." Horace said where as if on cue, a bulldozer came by and pushed all the debris out of the way, revealing the bar was in one piece. However, it had a different sign that the guys failed to noticed when they cheered at its survival as it was now called "The Clam's Head Pub."

"Oh, thank you, God!" Peter exclaimed.

"Don't mention it." God Himself told Peter as he was on horseback and rode away.

The guys entered the Pub, where they finally realized that it was no longer the bar that they knew and loved.

"Wait a minute, something's different." Peter said acknowledging the new environment.

The Clam's Head Pub was a British pub, where it was filled with stereotypical British men who were shown drinking their beers, while in other parts of the pub were some men sitting in armchairs reading and some at a table having tea and crumpets.

"Evening, gents. How about a nice, warm lager?" The bartender asked the guys.

"And help yourself to a packet of crisps." One of two men at the bar recommended.

"Or a ruddy nice plum pudding." The other man at the bar also recommended.

"Holy crap! It's a gay bar!" Peter exclaimed in shock.

"They turned the Drunken Clam into a British pub?" Joe asked.

"Well, at least they got sports on TV." Quagmire said spotting a TV offscreen, which the guys decided to watch.

"The new bowler is spinner Heath, who has a cover point long on square leg deep extra cover on two short legs." The announcer on the TV said about a British sport that was on.

The guys were left dumbfounded as to what they just heard on the TV.

"What the hell is he talking about?" Peter asked.

"Oh, it's cricket." A bar patron answered. "Marvelous game, really. You see, the bowler hurls the ball toward the batter who tries to play away a nice leg. He endeaveors to score by dashing between the creases, provided the wicket keeper hasn't whipped his bails off, of course."

"Anybody get that?" Peter asked the guys not knowing what the other guy was talking about.

"The only British idiom I know is that 'fag' means 'cigarette'." Cleveland said.

"Well, someone tell this cigarette to shut up." Peter insisted.

"Hey, guys! T-There's no more girlie magazines in the can!" Quagmire informed his friends coming out of the men's restroom with a book that he presented to them. "All they got is this-this David Copperfield!"

"W-W-Wait, any pictures of his girlfriend?" Peter asked.

Quagmire frantically looked through all of the pages of the book. "No! No pictures at all!"

Peter, Cleveland and Joe gasped at what they heard.

"I think we should go!" Cleveland insisted.

"Yes. This is a dark and evil place." Peter agreed as all four men immediately exited the pub.

It panned to two men reading by the left of the screen.

"I say, Caruthers." The man on the left asked the man on the right. "You know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing."

"Mmm, yes, quite. Ripping good one." Caruthers said thinking what the other man asked him was funny.

Peter got back to his house and entered inside to talk to Lois about what had happened to the Drunken Clam. "Lois, the Drunken Clam's been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, tea-sucking British bastards!"

"Peter!" Lois exclaimed as she was actually talking to a British man, who was a guest.

"Hello, Nigel Pinchley here." The man introduced himself to Peter. "I was just introducing myself to your wife, who I must say is an absolutely gorgeous bit of crumpet."

Lois let out a flattered chuckle at Nigel's compliment.

"Holy crap, you're one of them!" Peter said to Nigel.

"Peter!" Lois said to Peter in embarrassment at his behavior. "Nigel and his daughter are our new neighbors."

"Yes, and I'm afraid I'm the 'limey bastard' who's purchased your bar." Nigel informed Peter. "Bit of an awkward, really."

"Awkward moment? I'll give you an awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois 'Frank'." Peter stated, making Lois glanced her eyes around once again embarrassed at Peter's behavior. "Your move, Sherlock."

"Peter!" Lois exclaimed as she now pushed him into the kitchen. "Eheh, excuse us." Once Lois closed the door behind her, she then confronted Peter about how he treated Nigel. "Why are you acting like this? Nigel's charming. All British men are."

"Yeah, right, that's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli." Peter said unconvinced.

 **Cutaway #2**

Benjamin Disraeli was at his desk writing when he turned to the camera.

"You don't even know who I am." Benjamin Disraeli told Peter before he went back to writing.

 **End**

"The British are a lovely people. Not physically, of course, but inside." Lois told Peter defending their new neighbors as she then pointed Peter to the window. "And Nigel has a sweet little daughter."

Outside, Stewie was sitting at a small table having lunch with his teddy bear, Rupert and took a sip from his juice box when Nigel's daughter walked up behind him.

"Aww, look at the little baby!" The girl said seeing Stewie, who did a spittake.

"Ah, what the devil is that ghastly noise?!" Stewie asked himself turning his head and seeing the girl behind him.

"It's me! Eliza Pinchley!" The girl introduced herself to Stewie walking over to face him. "You want a flower, little baby?"

"Excuse me, what I think you meant to say is, 'Would I like a flower?'." Stewie corrected her grammar. "Heavens, you don't so much as speak the language as chew on it and spit it out."

"Come on, what's wrong with the way I talk?" Eliza asked Stewie.

Stewie cringed. "Everything! Look, here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away!" Stewie pulled out a quarter and tossed it next to Eliza.

Eliza then bent over to pick up the quarter, where Stewie took a look at underneath her skirt, to which he wasn't impressed.

"Honey, I know the Drunken Clam was your bar, but maybe you and your friends can find somewhere else to act like idiots." Lois suggested to Peter.

"Eh, guess you're right." Peter said taking Lois's words into consideration. "You know why I married you, Lois? It's not just the rack or the caboose. It's that big, sexy brain of yours."

Peter then picked Lois's cranium, making Lois giggle.

The next day, Peter and the guys tried to look for a new bar to hang out at. They found one in downtown called "The Cherry Pit" and went inside where mellow music was playing.

"All right, this place isn't bad." Peter said alway starting to like the look of the bar.

"Oh, yeah. Good music, real sports on the tube." Joe agreed pointing out some of the things that the British pub didn't have.

All of the bar's patrons were women, with only Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe the only men there.

"I've never seen so many chicks in one place." Quagmire remarked on the many women in the bar before spotting two women by the bar. "Hey, hey, check out those hotties. Heh, heh. They're so lonely, they're practicing kissing on each other."

"I don't think they're practicing." Cleveland said otherwise quickly realizing what the two women were really doing.

"Oh." Quagmire, Peter and Joe said seeing what Cleveland was talking about before repeating their response a few more times, one a little louder, one of them being happy, and then one more of them realizing that the bar itself was a lesbian bar.

Peter, Cleveland and Joe left the bar soon afterwards, with Quagmire the only one staying as he approached the embracing lesbians.

"So, you ladies ever been penetrated?" Quagmire asked the women, which resulted in him getting thrown out of the bar.

After that, they decided to just stand in front of a fence, parodying the FOX series _King of the Hill_. They even each said 'yep'. It turned out they were actually standing across the street from the British pub where a British bus pulled up, dropping off both British men and women to the bar.

"Ah, this sucks." Quagmire complained. "Nice choice for a hangout, Peter. There's not even anywhere to sit down!"

"Is that some kinda crack?" Joe asked Quagmire taking offense to what he said.

"What do you mean crack? You sayin' I got a fat ass?" Peter asked the same kind of offended question to Joe.

"Fellas, fellas. What's become of us?" Cleveland broke up the fight and asked his friends. "We never squabbled before we lost the Clam."

"Yeah, you're right! It's those lousy fog breathers!" Quagmire understood and agreed with Cleveland.

"Damn British! First they took our bar, now they're takin' our friendship!" Peter soon agreed. "What's next?! Apple pie, fast cars and action films?!"

 **Cutaway #3**

A trailer for an action movie played with dramatic music playing in the background.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

AND

SYLVESTER STALLONE

IN

The tone then shifted drastically to a more calm one as it showed the film's title "I Remember Cecil" in front of a green meadow.

"It was a glorious summer in Oxford when I met Freddy Cavendish, a most remarkable young man, whose friendship would change my life forever." Arnold Schwarzenegger narrated as it panned to show him rowing a boat along with Sylvester Stallone.

"You are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar." Sylvester Stallone said to Arnold in a romantic tone.

 **End**

"Our forefathers wouldn't have taken in on the chin like this." Joe stated.

"You're damn right." Peter agreed with Joe. "I say we fight the British and drive them back to whatever country they came from!"

All men rose their fists in the air agreeing to Peter's plan.

"We gonna get 'em!" Cleveland declared.

Back at the Griffin household, Ub, Friz, Brian and Stewie were in the patio where Ub and Friz were each playing both _Pokemon Gold_ and _Pokemon Silver_ on their Game Boy Colors, Brian was reading a newspaper and Stewie was writing on a notepad while sitting on the floor.

"Stewie, look. It's an invitation to little Eliza's birthday party." Lois came in and informed Stewie kneeling down and showing him the invitation.

"You mean that horrid girl who talks like a scullery maid?" Stewie asked Lois clearly uninterested and quite sickened by the prospect of having to spend a day with the girl. "I didn't realize she'd been born. I assumed she'd simply congealed in a gutter somewhere."

"Ooo, I'm gonna RSVP right now." Lois said getting up and leaving the room.

"Err, splendid." Stewie dreaded. "An entire afternoon of her 'ers' and 'ars' and ''alf a pound of ha'penny rice'. God, why can't the English teach their children to speak?"

"Well, why don't you teach her? Unless you don't think you're up to it." Brian betted with Stewie crossing his arms.

"Yeah, and if he can do it." Friz agreed with Brian.

"Oh, yes, this is the part where I'm supposed to say, 'Oh, I am so up to it'." Stewie stated at first not falling for their tactic before letting out a laugh. "Well, I am! I accept your challenge! At the celebration of her birthday, I shall pass that guttersnipe as a lady."

"Uh-huh." Friz said not taking Stewie seriously.

"And what are the stakes of this wager?" Stewie then asked the trio.

"Why don't you shut up for about a week?" Brian suggested.

"Very well." Stewie agreed with Brian's suggestion. "And if I win?"

"Oh, we weren't betting. We were just wondering if you could shut up for a week." Ub explained as he, Friz and Brian got up and left the room, leaving Stewie alone.

"You're on!" Stewie declared to the trio.

At the Clam's Head Pub, Peter and his friends stormed the pub wearing Revolutionary War garb akin to the painting "Spirt of '76" as they intent on winning back the Clam.

"Minutemen, present arms!" Joe ordered as he and the guys took out cans of beer. "Load weapons!"

The four then chanting and shook their cans.

"Fire!" Joe ordered as they all opened their beers, spraying the beer from inside all over the pub's patrons.

"Throw the blackguards out!" One of the patrons demanded.

"Gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!" Nigel Pinchley stepped up to the four and told them.

"Don't tread on me." Cleveland warned Nigel.

"Yeah, back off! We kicked your ass in World War II and we can do it again!" Peter threatened Nigel.

"Very well, then. If you refuse to go peacefully, I'm afraid we'll have to use our superior linguistic skills to convince you to leave." Nigel stated.

"Oh, yeah? Just try it!" Peter dared Nigel.

A short time later, the guys were leaving the Clam's Head Pub waving back to the patrons inside.

"Bye, now." Peter greeted the patrons.

"Sorry to bother you." Joe apologized.

"Gosh, I-I never saw it that way before." Quagmire remarked before he and the others realized they were outsmarted by the British people inside the pub. "Wait a minute, how the hell did they do that?!"

"Well, we're not gonna let this stop us." Peter declared. "I've never been defeated. Except once."

 **Cutaway #4**

Peter was in the 1982 Disney film _Tron_ , where he was the character. He was in the light cycle sequence from the film, where he faced off against a red light cycle side-to-side.

"Eric?" Peter asked the driver of the red light cycle, recognizing him.

"Peter?" The driver, Eric asked Peter back recognizing him as well.

"Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since high school." Peter said to Eric. "God, what are you doin' these days?"

"I'm the red guy." Eric told Peter.

"Oh, my God." Peter said.

"Eh, what are you doin'?" Eric asked Peter.

"I-I'm the green guy." Peter informed Eric.

"No kiddin'?" Eric asked.

"Yeah. Yeah." Peter reassured.

"Hey, is that Stacy Beecham?" Eric then asked.

"Where?" Peter asked looking to where Eric was pointing at, distracting him long enough for the latter to turn and block his path with a red wall, destroying Peter's light cycle and killing Peter in the process.

 **End**

That night, the guys went to Quahog Harbor, where a ship full of British alcoholic beverages was docked and was guarded by a British Foot Guard. The guys were hiding behind a stack of crates in front of the guard.

"Now, don't worry. These guys are trained to stay perfectly still. Check it out." Peter told the guys running up to the guard. "Hey, Margeret Tha-" Peter was then punched in the face and knocked back to the wooded floor by the guard. "The hell, I thought you English guys never move."

"Nope. That's just our women." The guard told Peter where the two shared a laugh. The two were joined by Cleveland, Quagmire and Joe when suddenly the guard's hat fell off his head and off the dock. "Bloody hell! My lunch was in that hat! Egg and chips and jam booties!" The guard then jumped into the water intent on retrieving his hat, leaving his post, to the guys' satisfaction.

The guys then got onboard the ship where they grabbed a couple of barrels of alcohol.

"Welcome to the Quahog Beer Party!" Joe said revealing they planned to dump all the alcohol into the ocean.

"I do feel a little guilty about polluting." Cleveland said feeling concern for the environment.

"I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through." Quagmire said throwing a barrel overboard.

Cleveland noticed that Peter was drinking the alcohol from the barrel while dumping it into the sea. "Peter, what are you doin'?"

"Hey, it may taste like a warm cup of tobacco chewers' spit, but it's still beer, damn it." Peter defended.

"Heh, good point." Quagmire said seeing Peter's point and decided to do the same thing Peter was doing. "Bottoms up."

Both Joe and Cleveland soon joined Peter and Quagmire and the four decided to drink the rest of the alcohol on the ship and dumping the empty barrels into the ocean.

The next morning, Peter returned home having parked the car on the lawn and stumbled into the house drunk. As he got it, Lois and Brian were asleep on the couch as they were waiting for Peter to return home last night. Lois woke up and saw Peter had finally returned home.

"Peter. W-W-We waited up all night. Where were you?" Lois asked rubbing her eyes.

"W-Where was I? Where-Where were you?" Peter drunkenly asked back.

"Out drinking, but I was back by 2:00 pm." Lois answered.

"Oh, no." Brian said having woken up and rose to see what was on TV.

"Our top story. The Clam's Head Pub has burned to the ground. Our own Tricia Takanawa is on the scene." Tom Tucker reported about what had happened to the Clam's Head Pub and cutting to Tricia Takanawa.

"Is Quahog in the grip of a serial arsonist?" Tricia Takanawa asked as she was standing in front of the burned down remains of what used to be the Clam's Head Pub. "Police say no, but our producer says yes. Here's an artist's depiction of what the arsonist might look like." It showed a colored drawing of a giant, fire-breathing insect attacking a city where a couple of people were running away from it. "Anyone with information regarding this suspect should contact Quahog police immediately." It then cut back to Tricia. "One thing is certain. The pain here is palpable." She then picked up a half charred portrait of Elizabeth II off the ground. "For many, this charred portrait of Elizabeth II gives poignant new meaning to the phrase, 'Hey, check out that flaming queen'."

It cut back to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons when the former was handed a piece of paper.

"In a late breaking development, the police have a new suspect. We now live to Hispanic reporter, Maria..." Tom then reported reading the paper and having trouble pronouncing the last name of their other reporter.

"Jimenez." Diane pointed out to Tom.

"I know what it is." Tom told Diane.

It cut to said reporter and the police outside the Griffin household.

"Well, Tom, at this moment, we're approaching the suspect's house." Maria Jimenez told Tom as the police approached the front door.

Lois and Brian were absolutely shocked at what they were seeing on the news. Peter, on the other hand, was actually enjoying what was going on on TV.

"Ah, this is better than Cops." Peter said having sobered up and was now invested in the news report. "Y-You know there's a fat drunk guy in there."

On the TV (and in real life), the police busted the door open and stormed inside the living room, aiming their guns at Peter, who was still watching TV.

"Hold it!"

"Freeze!"

Lois and Brian moved out of the way while Peter remained where he was.

"There he is." Peter said.

"Hands up, Griffin. You're comin' with us!" One of the officers who stormed in the house ordered Peter.

"He-He-Hang on-Hang on, I wanna see what they do with this jackass." Peter said to the officer not recognizing that he was the guy on TV.

"Hands up!" The same officer ordered.

"Oh, my God, Peter, you didn't!" Lois said to Peter not wanting to believe he burned down the pub.

"Hey, fatty's wife is a babe!" Peter commented on seeing Lois on TV.

"That's it!" The officer from earlier said having had enough of Peter's nonsense as he and his partner tackled him to the floor.

"Well, Tom, it appears the real arsonist is in custody, thanks to an anonymous tip to the authorities." Maria Jimenez told Tom.

Elsewhere, the bug from the sketch of the arsonist was sitting at home satisfied as he rubbed his hands together.

"Good. Good." The bug said plotting.

Back in the Griffins' living room, Peter was still watching the news report on TV, despite having been tackled down by the police.

"Ah, ah, the fat guy's struggling." Peter said watching himself getting taken down by the cops. "Hit him, you stupid pigs! Hit him! Use the bi-"

Peter was then knocked out before he could finish what he wanted to tell the cops.

Later, the guys were at trial for the crime they didn't commit in Quahog City Hall.

"This Quahog Minutemen flag was found at the wreckage of the Clam's Head." The judge informed the quartet showing them the flag they used when they tried, and failed, to take back the Clam from the British men as evidence of their crime. "You are clearly of arson, so you are free to go..."

The guys sighed in relief at what the judge said.

"...straight to jail! HA! No you got burned! Heh, no bail!" The judge said banging his gabble.

The guys all walked away deeply depressed that they were now heading to prison for something they never did.

"Peter, tell me you didn't do this." Lois asked Peter hoping he was innocent.

"Lois, I-I didn't do it!" Peter insured Lois. "You know you can trust me, right? Come on, let's sit down and talk about this."

Peter pulled up a chair and offer it to Lois. Lois accepted his offer and was about to sit, "I wanna believe you, but-" It was then that Peter swiped away the chair at the last minute, leading to her landing on her butt.

"Heheh, Gotcha! Heheh! But-But seriously, you can trust me!" Peter said jokingly before he went serious just as he was pulled away by a police officer.

"Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry this terrible tragedy has befallen you." Nigel came up to Lois and said to her.

"Thank you, Nigel. You're very kind." Lois thanked Nigel.

"Can I touch your bum once?" Nigel quickly asked Lois.

"What?" Lois asked.

"Now I expect to see you at Eliza's birthday bash and I won't take no for an answer." Nigel insisted to Lois. "Unless the question is, 'Do you not like me'? *snickers* Get it? Double negative, you know? Very good, yes..."

The guys arrived in prison, having already been outfitted with prison uniforms and were heading straight for their cells. The other prisoners called out to them from within their cells.

"He-ey, check out the new meat." One of the prisoners said to his cellmate.

"I like the fat one. More cushion for the pushin'!" The cellmate commented.

"Thank you." Peter thanked the prisoner oblivious to what he was talking about.

"Hey, you and me are gonna have a good time together!" Another prisoner said.

"Gosh, everyone's so nice here." Peter said innocently. "I mean, you know, they're gonna be disappointed when they find out I'm not gay, but wow!"

The four reached their cell and entered inside, where they were then locked up.

"Oh, my God! See that guy?" Joe exclaimed in horror pointing his friends to the person he spotted. "That's the most vicious killer I ever put away. His name's Steve Bellows. He's so mean, he once shot a man for snoring."

"Where have I heard that before?" Quagmire asked recalling of having heard that very description.

"It's all here in this simulated leather-bound edition of Time-life's Killers of Quahog." Joe answered holding out said book to his friends as they read the contents of the book.

"Wow, they're all here." Peter said pointing out all the killers in the book, such as John the Biter, the Berserk Hobo, and the Golden Autumn Day Strangler.

"M-Maybe Steve won't remember you." Cleveland assumed hoping said prisoner wouldn't recognize him.

Unfortunately for Cleveland, Steve Bellows then spotted and after looking at his arm tattoo of all the men who put him away that he presumably killed and crossed off, with only Joe left intact, he immediately recognized him as he approached Joe's cell.

"Well, well, Officer Swanson." Steve Bellows greeted Joe. "You and your friends are dead! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!" Steve walked away from the cell after delivering his threat, leaving the guys shaken.

"Oh. Good. He thinks we're zombies." Peter said thinking otherwise as usual. "He'll leave us alone."

Meanwhile, Stewie was in the midst of trying to teach Eliza to properly speak English.

"No, no, no! If you're ever going to be a lady, you must learn to speak like one." Stewie berated Eliza. "Now try it again. 'The life of the wife is ended by the knife'."

"'The loif of the w-" Eliza tried to say, but was cut off by Stewie.

"No, no, no, no, no, not 'loif'. 'Life'! 'Life'!" Stewie corrected her.

"That's what I said! 'Loif'!" Eliza stated.

"Now listen to me, you piece of baggage, we've got five days left and I'll not lose my wager. Now repeat after me. 'Hello, Mother. Have you hidden my hatchet?'"

"'Allo, Mother. 'Ave you 'idden my 'atchet?'" Eliza then repeated Stewie.

"Oh, God, no, it's an H sound, you moron! H!" Stewie berated her once again, hitting her in the head with Rupert and saying 'Ha' to her face four times.

"Ew, your breathe smells like kitty litter!" Eliza said to Stewie in disgust over how his breathe smelled.

"HA, HA,!" Ub and Friz laughed offscreen.

"I was curious!" Stewie defended himself.

While Peter and the guys were in prison, Lois, Bonnie and Loretta went over to the burned down Clam's Head Pub.

"Our husbands couldn't have done this." Bonnie said.

"Yeah, Cleveland can't even light the damn hibachi on the Fourth of July." Loretta agreed.

"Excuse me, do you know where I can find Nigel Pinchley?" A businessman came by and asked the three wives. "I'm from Quahog Insurance and I have a check for him." The man pulled out a check from his coat and presented it to the women.

"$5,000,000?!" Loretta exclaimed at the number of the check.

"Yeah. Lucky fella took out a huge policy the day before the fire." The man explained.

"Doesn't that strike you as a little suspicious?" Lois asked the man starting to become suspicious of Nigel's motives and left.

"No, not really. In fact, it seems to happen all the time." The man told Lois before he started to see her point and become suspicious of the whole thing.

The three wives were now onto Nigel and his possible get rich quick scheme.

Back in the prison, the guys were in the courtyard with all the other prisoners.

"Oh, no! Here comes Steve!" Quagmire fretted.

"I haven't forgot about you boys! Saturday night at midnight, you're dead! YOU'RE ALL DEAD!" Steve once again threatened the guys before he left.

"Midnight on Saturday? Thank God, we can still be in the talent show! From the top, boys. A 5, 6, 7, 8." Peter said as he and the guys worked on their Jazz routine for the talent show.

Days later, Stewie was still struggling to have Eliza speak proper English, to the point of having an icebag on his head.

"*groans* Once again, here is how it should sound. 'How do you do?' And here's how you sound." Stewie said to Eliza flipping over a can painted to look like a cow where it mooed. "Now try it again."

"'How do you do'?" Eliza repeated properly this time, much to Stewie's surprise.

"What did you say?" Stewie asked her.

"'The life of the wife is ended by the knife'." Eliza then spoke.

"I think she's got it!" Stewie said having accomplished his goal removing the icebag from his head and telling Rupert. "I think she's got it!"

 _The life of the wife_

 _Is ended by the knife_

"By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it!" Stewie cheered before joining her in the musical number.

 _Now, what ends her wretched life?_

 _The knife_

 _The knife_

 _And where's that bloody knife_

 _In the wife_

 _In the wife_

 _The life of the wife_

 _Is ended by the knife_

 _Bravo, Eliza_

 _The life of the wife_

 _Is ended by the knife_

It cut to Saturday, at the Pinchley's house, where Eliza's birthday was being held.

"Hello, so nice to see you." Nigel greeted one of the party guests coming into his house.

"There he is." Lois said to Bonnie and Loretta spotting Nigel. "Alright, we need to search the house for evidence, but one of us is gonna have to distract Nigel."

Bonnie and Loretta crossed their arms and looked at Lois, knowing she was to be the one to distract Nigel considering she was the apple of his affection.

"Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't." Lois insisted. "Wh-What abut Loretta? Nigel looks like he's down for the swirl."

"Oh, there you are, Lois." Nigel spotted Lois and came over to greet her as Bonnie and Loretta left to search for evidence in the house. "Shall I give you the grand tour and show you my... *clear throat* private quarters?"

"I'd love to." Lois said trying to get on Nigel's good side.

"Oh, I must say, you look absolutely..." Nigel almost said to Lois, to which he started moving his lips around, to Lois's confusion.

Nigel then took Lois to his private quarters to start the "tour".

"Oh, don't be shy, my lambie-lamb." Nigel told Lois, who looked unenthusiastic. "This is my study, where I...I...study things that arouse my interest."

Lois surveyed the room and caught bits of what she believed to be Bonnie and Loretta hiding.

"Oh, good. The girls are in place." Lois thought glad that she'll have witnesses when she gets Nigel to confess his wrongdoing.

"Oh, Nigel. Since Peter's been gone, I've been searchin' for someone new." Lois said to Nigel pretending to be into him as he closed the door. "You know...someone with a sense of danger and...adventure."

Nigel took a deep breathe. "I once played of cricket without shin guards."

"Oh, I love a reckless man." Lois said continuing the charade.

"One time, I went up to this bloke's flat, rang the bell, and ran like Sebastian Coe!"

"Oh, *purrs* more! Tell me more!"

"I burned down my pub for the insurance money and framed your husband!"

"HA! I knew it!" Lois said as he tone went back to normal and she grabbed Nigel by his tie. "And what's more, I have witnesses! Bonnie!" She went to the curtains to reveal Bonnie, but found that it was a globe. "Loretta?" Lois then asked Loretta, hoping the black hair hiding behind the couch was her. It was a person hiding behind the couch, but it wasn't Loretta. "Demond Wilson from _Sanford and Son_? What are you doing here?"

"I know, I'm surprised I'm alive, too." Demond Wilson told Lois.

Nigel chuckled at Lois's failed plan. "Sorry, love. Better luck next time."

"Mr. Pinchley, I heard everything." The businessman that Lois, Bonnie and Loretta came across a few days ago told Nigel coming out of his hiding place from in a nearby closet and catching both Nigel and Lois by surprise. "And what you've done is a textbook example of insurance *checks book he was holding* 'fraud'?"

"Oh, bloody hell!" Nigel cursed. "What the devil were doing in the closet, anyway?"

"I decided to take up the case at seeing if you really did burn down the pub after this woman here got me to be suspicious about your numerous deposits over the years. And when you invited her to your study, I came here immediately to hide in here, so that I would wait and hear you confess." The man explained. "Plus, I came with Demond."

Back in the living room, a butler walked into the living room and stopped right next to the stairs.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Eliza Pinchley." The butler said to everyone as they all gathered around.

"Psst! You, Dogbert, Dilbert and Mario!" Stewie called out to Brian, Friz and Ub, who were the only ones who didn't gather around the here, get a couple of front-row seats for this one!"

Brian, Friz and Ub then joined Stewie at the end of the stairs for Eliza's entrance, so that Stewie could win the "bet". In an instance, Eliza arrived and presented herself to everyone in an adorable pink dress, to everyone's delight. Eliza walked halfway down the stairs.

"How kind of you all to come." Eliza thanked everyone for attending her party.

"Oh! Magnificent!" Stewie remarked proudly at his work as he turned to face Ub, Friz and Brian. "I say, old sports, why don't you pull your faces from your own loins and Game Boys and bury them into some humble pie?"

"We never betted." Friz reminded Stewie.

Stewie would immediately eat his words when Eliza ended up wetting herself.

"Oh, bloody 'ell! I've gone and wet meself!" Eliza cursed in her original accent again.

At that moment, both Ub, Friz and Brian gave Stewie a smug grin.

"Don't give me that smug look! Fine! Well, you have extra-sensitive hearing, Brian, hear this." Stewie said as he challenged Brian to hear what he then said very, very quietly.

"I'm telling." Brian said as he, Ub and Friz left, causing Stewie to worry.

"I-No, I-I said vaccuum!" Stewie tried to convince Brian not wanting to get into trouble.

"No, you didn't." Friz corrected Stewie offscreen.

Back in prison, it was nearly midnight, where the guys were attempting to escape their fate in the hands of Steve Bellows as Peter was digging a tunnel in the wall with a spoon.

"H-Hurry, Peter! Steve's gonna be here in five minutes!" Quagmire warned Peter.

"Aw, crap, we're dead!" Peter said as the spoon he was digging with broke at that very moment.

Their time was up as the hour hand on the clock struck midnight and their cell's door was opening, much to their dismay.

"I guess this is the end, boys." Quagmire said to his friends.

"Looks like our next stop is a corner booth in a bar in heaven!" Joe fretted.

Luckily for them, it turned out to be Lois, Bonnie, Loretta, who came to bail them out in the nick of time.

"Peter, Nigel confessed! You're free!" Lois informed Peter of what happened outside of prison.

"You hear that guys? We're free!" Peter told the guys as everybody cheered for their freedom and ran out of there.

A moment after, Steve Bellows finally arrived at Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe's cell to kill them.

"Get ready to die-" Steve said, only to realize his future victims were gone. He had nothing to say about this and sat on the bottom of the cell's bunk bed. "Wonder what this feels like." Steve then lightly stabbed himself and then stopped after feeling the pain it caused. "Ow! That hurts! My God, is that what I've been doing to people?! I belong here."

Sometime after that day, the Drunken Clam was rebuilt as the sign was the last thing set up. Under it also read "Under old management".

"Ah, Horace, I never thought I'd see you and the Clam again." Peter said to Horace, who also attended the Clam's re-opening.

"Eh. Florida stunk. Alligator mounted me when I wasn't lookin'. Laid eggs in my lower intestine." Horace told Peter. "Eh, but you're all thristy. I'll bore you another time."

It then cut to Peter, Lois, Cleveland, Loretta, Joe, Bonnie and Quagmire sitting at the guys' spot in the Drunken Clam.

"Here's to our wives." Peter cheered for Lois, Bonnie and Loretta. "They may not be as hot as the women on TV, or a-as entertaining...But, um...you know, I don't-I don't know where I'm goin' with this, but thanks, anyway."

"I guess that lousy Nigel learned his lesson." Lois said. "Whatever he gets is too good for him."

In England, Nigel was sentenced to execution at the gallows and hung. His daughter, Eliza was then taken in by an orphanage that was built near a factory.

"Dear Stewie, I want you to know that I blame my father's death and my incarceration in this hell hole entirely on your awful mother." Eliza wrote on a letter to Stewie. "If it takes the rest of my life, I shall see that she suffers a slow and painful death. Eliza."

It showed Stewie reading the letter that Eliza sent him, where he laughed in satisfaction. "Excellent. Here, have a look."

Stewie showed the letter to the suspected fire-breathing bug from earlier, who was also pleased.

"Good. Good." The bug replied.

Suddenly, balloons and confetti rained from above and game show music played.

"What the hell?!" Stewie exclaimed at what was going on.

"Congratulations, _Family Guy_! You made it all throughout this entire episode without making a _The Wild Thornberrys_ joke!" An announcer said offscreen.

Just then, Ub and Friz appeared and cheered at their victory.

"Hey, wait. Doesn't this cou-" Friz almost asked before the episode ended abruptly.

 **The End**


	5. And The Wiener Is

**Opening Credits**

 _It seems today that all ya see_

 _Is violence in movies and sex on TV_

 _But where are those good, old-fashioned values_

 _On which we used to rely_

 _Lucky there's a Family Guy!_

 _Lucky there's a man who_

 _Positively can do_

 _All the things that make us_

 _Laugh n' Cry_

 _He's_

 _a_

 _Fam_

 _-ily_

 _Guy!_

 **End**

Winter had arrived in Quahog and the Griffins spent the day at the park to enjoy the snow. Lois, Meg and Ub were at the frozen lake where Lois was ice skating.

"Look, Meg, Ub. I'm that pretty dark-haired figure skater with the horse teeth." Lois called out to both Meg and Ub, who were watching her. "You know, the one who got what she had coming." As Lois finished, she formed a perfect figure eight in the ice.

"Nice figure eight, Mom." Meg said to her mother impressed.

"Yeah, I don't think anyone can top that." Ub agreed with Meg as the three left the figure eight.

Quagmire skated by and as he saw Lois's figure eight, he decided to add some new additions to it. He skated two small circles into the center of each half of the figure eight with smaller circles within those circles, making the figure eight now resemble a woman's breasts as he said his trademark "alright".

Up on top of a hill behind Quagmire were Joe and his family. Joe and his son, Kevin were about to ski down the hill with Kevin sitting on his father's lap and Bonnie behind Joe to push. The bottom of Joe's chair had skis underneath each of the wheels to help ski down the hill.

"Okay, Bonnie. One, two, three, push!" Joe told Bonnie, who did as he asked as he and Kevin sled down the hill.

The two were enjoying their ski down the hill as Joe let out an excited yell. Things then escalated, however, as they soon then hit a bump in the way, knocking Kevin off of Joe's lap and Joe lost control of his chair. He was then knocked off of his chair when he reached the bottom and hit hard on the snow-covered ground. Unexpectedly, Joe suddenly got up from the ground, popping his neck and dusting off snow on his pant legs when it then occurred to him.

"My God! I can walk!" Joe acknowledged at his returned ability to walk. "IT'S A MI-" Joe was then knocked off the ground by Kevin, who sled down the hill on his stomache, and a crack was heard when he made contact with the ground, leaving him paralyzed again.

"Sorry, Dad." Kevin apologized to Joe, feeling really guilty about having accidentally crippled his father.

"Just get the chair." Joe nonchalantly ordered his son.

It then panned to Brian and Stewie having a snowball fight. Brian managed to get a hit at Stewie's butt.

"Oh-ho! Good shot! Made my brown eye blue with that one!" Stewie applauded Brian for his throw.

"Eh, next one's coming for your head!" Brian warned Stewie as he was making another snowball.

"Oh, no! No, help! Oh, help!" Stewie fretted as he ran and hid behind a nearby tree.

Brian was about to throw his next snowball, only for Stewie to jump out from behind the tree armed with a bazooka.

"What the hell?!" Brian exclaimed at what he was seeing.

"Now is the winter of your discontent!" Stewie stated firing the bazooka, which shot out snowballs at Brian, soon knocking him back.

Back at the frozen lake, Chris was eating a snowball when Peter came up to him.

"Hey, Chris, wanna race? Oneyourmarksgetsetgo!" Peter then challenged Chris as the two immediately began their race.

"First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severly burned face, which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulfuric acid on her, wins. I win!" Peter explained where he reached said marker and won just as he had finished. Chris then reached the marker in second place. "Yes! Yes! In your face! In your face!"

"In my face! In my face!" Chris said being a good sport and let out a laugh.

Unexpectedly, a hand with burned flesh broke through the ice from underneath the marker, grabbing hold of Peter's leg.

"AH! Acid girl! It's acid girl!" Peter screamed in terror as he shook the hand off his leg and repeatedly stomped on it.

The next day, at James Woods High, Meg was outside the gym wanting to try out for cheerleading.

"Hey, Meg. What'cha doing?" Ub called out to Meg as he and Friz walked by.

"Oh, hey, guys. I'm about to try out for cheerleading." Meg informed Ub and Friz.

"Okay, well, we'll be rooting for you." Friz said to Meg wishing her luck.

"Yeah, good luck." Ub said to Meg wishing her luck as well.

With her friends' support, Meg entered the gym to try out for cheerleading, where tryouts were currently being held.

As the two left, Ub then had a thought bubble of Meg as a cheerleader doing some cheerleading. She then jumped up, unwittingly flashing her panties as her skirt flipped up for a second before going down, one time of her panty-clad crotch and the next of her perfectly round panty-clad butt as Ub let out a lovesick sigh over the prospect of possibly seeing the love of his life in a cheerleading outfit and getting to see free panty flashes from her.

"Hey, guys." Meg greeted Connie D'Amico, who was taking notes of the girls trying out for cheerleading.

"What do you want, Meg?" Connie D'Amico asked Meg already annoyed.

"I'm here to try out cheerleading." Meg explained.

"Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden." Connie told off Meg. "Why don't you try the flag girl squad?"

Connie shoved Meg away with her pencil, where Meg saw that there was a stand for flag girl squad try outs. All the girls in line weren't exactly attractive, like one with a peg leg, one with a plump rear and one with fully grown facial hair. Meg started at the end of the line, where there was a seemingly normal girl in front of her.

"Are you trying out for flag girl?" Meg asked the girl in front of her.

The girl tried to talk, but her tongue dropped, showing to be as long as a tie. The girl then rolled up her tongue back into her mouth and turned away from Meg in embarrassment.

At the Drunken Clam, Peter was playing darts as he threw his dart dead center at the board.

"Yes! I win again, Andy." Peter said to someone offscreen until it zoomed out to reveal he was talking to Andy Capp from the British comics of the same name.

"Come on, mate. One more before the missus notices I'm not snoozin' on the couch." Andy begged.

"Too late!" Andy's wife, Flo called out having found him as she came prepared with her rolling pin and started beating up her husband in a cartoon cloud that lead the both of them out of the bar.

Quagmire stepped out of the restroom and his attention focused on an attractive woman in a blue dress, unaware that he was about to walk right into the cloud that Andy and Flo were fighting in.

"Hey, careful, Quagmire! D-Don't get too close to that thing!" Peter tried to warn Quagmire, but it was already too late as Quagmire was sucked into the cartoon cloud before spat out a few seconds later all beaten up.

"The hell, did I just got laid?" Quagmire asked himself wondering what just happened.

"Nice game, Peter." Joe congratulated Peter.

"Yeah, I'm on a roll." Peter said. "I whipped Chris on the ice today, too."

"Enjoy it while it lasts." Cleveland warned Peter. "It's only a matter of time before he beats you."

"What are you talkin' about? I'm better than him at everything." Peter said. "You name it. Sports, video games (when Ub and Friz are around), even magic tricks."

 **Cutaway #1**

Peter and Chris were sitting next to Lois in the living room watching TV. Chris then did the classic "got your nose" trick on Peter.

"Ha, ha. Got your nose." Chris said to Peter.

"Oh, yeah? Well, I got your face." Peter counterargued pulling off Chris's face, revealing his flesh. Peter laughed at his prank while Chris screamed in both pain and terror as he got up from the couch and ran around in panic.

"Calm down, Chris, it's only a trick." Lois nonchalantly told Chris not paying attention to what was going on as she took a sip of tea.

 **End**

"Face it, Peter. Sooner or later, you're gonna have to pass the torch." Joe stated to Peter agreeing with Cleveland. "I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud of him. I gave him a little congratulatory punch in the arm...and then another...and then everything got a little hazy. Kevin went to live with a foster family for a while... Anyway, it's inevitable."

"Oh, don't feel bad, Joe, I-I think I know why your son beat ya." Peter told Joe, who took a sip from his beer. "A-A-Apparently, you're a-you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl."

Joe turned to Peter in offense to what the latter just called him.

"W-Which is good, 'cause I finally have someone to give this trainin' bra to." Peter said holding up a training bra and then putting it on Joe's chest, making the latter even more pissed. "There you go, Josephina. That feel good on your new budding bosoms? Eh? Eh? *imitates Joe* It sure does, Mi-"

"GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!" Joe finally shouted ripping off the training bra off his chest.

Later, Peter, of course, returned home for dinner. However, it first showed what appeared to be a Christmas special on the kitchen TV featuring Rudolph having a medical exam with a human doctor.

"Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose glow." The doctor told Rudolph giving him the results.

"Is it pixie dust or-or leprechaun tails?" Rudolph guessed cheerfully.

"Well, yes. Technically, it is." The doctor confirmed. "But we also discovered you also have a tumor."

"You mean like a magical Christmas tumor?" Rudolph asked the doctor.

"No, only your nose is magical. The tumor is malignant." The doctor informed Rudolph. "The base of which is lodged deep within your brain."

"Oh." Rudolph replied, now seeing the reality of this grim situation before asking again in a cheerful demeanor. "Like a happy, special-"

"You're going to die." The doctor pointed out to Rudolph having had enough of the reindeer's denial, just as Lois turned off the TV and joined her family for dinner.

"Hey, everybody. Guess what I am?" Meg came into the kitchen and asked her family.

"Oh, the end result of a drunken backseat grope fest and a broken prophylactic?" Stewie insultingly guessed. The result of which Ub slapped Stewie from the back of his head. "Must you do that every time?!"

"I'm on the flag girl squad!" Meg revealed excitedly.

"Oh, honey, congratulations!" Lois congratulated her daughter.

"Hey, Chris, I bet ya can't do this!" Peter challenged Chris having placed a spoon on his nose.

"Heh, I bet I can!" Chris accepted Peter's challenge as he licked his own spoon and stuck it on his nose.

"Awesome! I knew you could do... Wait, flag girl?" Ub almost congratulated Meg before remembering the last part she said.

"Yeah, we perform at all the football games!" Meg explained. "I'm practically a cheerleader!"

"Oh. Okay, I-I guess that makes sense. Congrats on getting on the team." Ub said feeling al ittle weirded out by Meg's new position in the football team, but he still wanted to support Meg in any way he could and congratulated her, anyways. He was also frankly disappointed that his chances of seeing Meg unwittingly flash her panties while cheerleading were shattered as his thought bubble popped.

"Oh, Meg, that's wonderful." Lois said proud of her daughter's accomplishment. "Isn't that wonderful, Peter?"

"Yeah, way to go, Stewie." Peter replied, not listening as he was too busy trying to one up Chris, where he and Chris now had not only spoons on their noses, but a plate and a cup stacked on each of their heads and a fork and spoon in each of their ears. "All right, Chris, I'll see you a fork and raise you a gravy ladle."

"Ha, ha, you're on." Chris said taking a ladle full of mashed potatoes into the cup on top of his head.

"Did you even hear about the good news your daughter just said?" Friz asked Peter.

"Yeah, I was listenin', Chris." Peter said to Friz not paying attention, to which Friz just groaned in frustration.

"So, you're, uh-you're a flag girl." Brian said to Meg without looking at her as he was cutting his meat. "That's great, Meg."

"Oh, yes, yes." Stewie agreed.

The two remained silent for a moment.

"Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call." Stewie joked making him and Brian snicker uncontrollably.

"You two are pushing your luck." Friz warned Brian and Stewie.

Unbeknownst to the snickering idiots, Ub was behind them, where he grabbed them by their heads and slammed them into each other, causing the two to react in pain.

"Lois, why aren't you doing anything about this?!" Stewie demanded to Lois about what Ub just did, who returned to his seat.

"Alright, saltshaker up the nose." Peter said to Chris wedging the saltshaker up his nostril.

"I got pepper." Chris said wedging the peppershaker up his nostril. However, the pepper within Chris's nose caused him to sneeze and knock all the stuff off of his.

"Hahahaha, yes! I win!" Peter cheered winning the contest.

"That was fun, Dad." Chris said to Peter.

"I'm the man! Yeah! Ye-AAH!" Peter said before tripping near Lois as all the stuff on his head fell on top of him. "Um, Lois? Um, go-go get the medical dictionary and-and look up 'fork' and 'lung'."

"Why?" Lois asked Peter confused.

"Time's a factor, Lois." Peter responded in worry.

The next day, at James Woods High, Meg was now in her new flag girl uniform, where she was getting her books from her locker. Ub and Friz were walking by and Ub wanted to talk with Meg as he walked over to her at her locker. Just then, Neil Goldman passed by Ub and Friz pushing a cart with a TV on top and came to a stop by Meg at her locker.

"Say, Meg, lookin' sharp." Neil greeted Meg, catching her attention just as Ub and Friz arrived. "You wanna go out after the game tonight?"

"Neil, I'm a flag girl now. I'm way too cool to be seen with you." Meg told Neil rejecting him.

"Really? Not even if I smoke this corncob pipe?" Neil asked as he took out a corncob pipe from his shirt pocket and pretended to smoke with it.

"It's not even lit." Friz pointed out to Neil, who ignored him and continued pretending to smoke his pipe as Meg walked away with Ub and Friz by her side.

The trio walked down the hall when Meg spotted Connie D'Amico and her friends nearby and approached them, much to Ub and Friz's dismay.

"Hey, you guys. Are we all ready to cheer at the game tonight?" Meg asked the cool kids eagerly.

"We? Oh, you made flag girl, huh?" Connie D'Amico asked Meg nonchalantly not showing any enthusiasm, unlike Meg.

"Yeah, so, this morning, my mom was all like, 'Meg, don't forget your lunch.' And I'm all, 'Mom, I'm a flag girl now. I'm not gonna forget my lunch.' And she's all like, 'Meg, don't forget your half-time routine at the game.' *scoffs* Moms." Meg said to the cool kids making a conversation with them. "Hey, maybe we could all, like, hang out after the game. Go, team!" Just as Meg jumped up in her little cheer, her skirt lifted up a bit from behind in front of Ub, flashing a bit of her panty-clad butt at him, no doubt tightening his pants. Ub then realized at that moment that he might get to see Meg's panties get exposed at the game after all as he smiled in delight. Friz, however, turned his head away from Meg's flashing panties before the skirt fell back down, covering her butt. Meg then turned back to Ub and Friz as the trio soon walked away, two of which being excited for the game while one felt dirty that they accidentally saw their friend's underwear, even briefly.

"Uncool people are like animals." Connie remarked about Meg's shown school spirit.

"Hey, you want to go feed the science club after school?" One of Connie's friends asked her.

It cut to the middle of the game, where James Woods High was losing pretty badly to the rival team. Un in the stands, the rest of Meg's family, along with Ub and Friz were there for Meg's half-time routine. Stewie was holding two of his fingers to his mouth and blew in between them, imitating he was smoking a cigarette with his breathe being visible in the cold air.

"Look at me." Stewie told Brian before he imitated being a smoker again for the latter to see him. "Look at me. I'm smoking. Dog. Dog, look. Look." Stewie then noticed that Brian was busy drinking from a flask rather than watching him pretending to smoke. "You know, alcohol doesn't really make you warmer. In fact, it constricts the blood vessels, causing-"

"Shut up." Brian told off Stewie putting the flask away and focusing his attention back onto the game, to Stewie's dismay.

"The dog just told me to shut up." Stewie tattled on Brian to Lois, tugging on the end of her scarf to get her attention. "I demand to know what you plan to do about this." Lois didn't pay any attention to Stewie's complaint as she was too busy looking out for Meg. "Hey, hey, the dog just told me-"

"Be quiet, Stewie." Lois disciplined her son, much to Stewie's chagrin.

Stewie then just sat there and continued to pretending to smoke. "Freezing my nips off here."

"Oh, look, there's Meg." Lois gasped spotting Meg with the rest of the flag girl squad as she then stood up and tried to get her attention. "Meg! MEEEG! MEEEEEEEE-" Ub then knocked out Lois out of not wanting to get Meg embarrass by her mother.

Down below, Meg waved over to the cool kids, who waved back surprisingly showing to be friendly to her. The referee walked up and blew into his whistle, signalling the flag girl squad's cue.

"Here we go!" Meg said to the other flag girls as they marched right onto the field for their routine. Meg was center while the other girls split into two groups and went around her as she twirled her flag.

"Oh, Peter, isn't she beatiful?" Lois asked Peter.

"She sure is, Mrs. Griffin." Ub said admiring his crush doing her routine.

"Yeah, but I think she's with that guy." Peter said instead looking at an offscreen couple. "They've been holding hands all night."

"I mean Meg." Lois stated to Peter.

"Oh, oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, she's hot." Peter said taking a bite out of his hot dog.

"Ugh, this meat stinks something fierce!" A voice said offscreen, catching Ub's attention.

Ub turned to his left side where the voice came from and looked over the edge, where he saw the cool kids pouring raw meat into catapults.

"Heh. This oughta knock her down a couple notches." Connie's female friend said.

Ub wondered what the girl meant as he took a closer look at the catapult and noticed that they were aiming straight toward the field. He realized that they were going to launch the meat at Meg. Without hesitation, Ub then quickly got up and rushed over to get Meg out of there while in slow motion. Ub managed to reach the field as Meg threw her flag in the air, caught it and did a split. The cool kids finally launched the meat, which was now heading straight for Meg. But Ub managed to reach Meg and pushed her out of the way, where the area he pushed her was directly on her chest. Everything then went back to normal speed as the meat hit Ub instead, saving Meg from embarrassment, much to the cool kids' outrage. As Ub tried to get up, Meg screamed, catching both him and everyone else's attention.

"He touched my breasts!" Meg cried out to everyone covering her chest.

Everyone at the game, including the flag girl squad, the Griffin family and even the cool kids themselves gasped in shock at what she said as they all turned toward Ub in disgust and booed at him for what they think he did. Ub then got back up to his feet and ran out of there before things got worse.

"Yeah! Go, Ub! You the man! Whoo!" Peter rooted for Ub.

The next day, at the YMCA Recreation Center, Peter and Chris were playing basketball with Chris bouncing the ball and Peter trying to block him.

"What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on!" Peter said taunting Chris, but he tripped from behind as Chris managed to shoot the ball into the hoop. "Come on, ref. That's charging."

"Your feet were moving. No foul." Brian, who was the ref, told Peter.

"No foul?! Oh, that's a stupid call! A-And I know something about stupid calls!" Peter ranted.

 **Cutaway #2**

Lois was in the living room reading a magazine on the couch when the phone rang.

"Uh, hello?" Lois answered the phone and asked who was on the other line.

"Uh, Lois? I can't take out the garbage because I'm at the office a-and they're making me stay late." Peter said through the phone as Lois checked the caller ID on the phone.

"Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen." Lois pointed out to Peter. "In fact, I can see you."

Just as Lois said, Lois was looking at Peter in the kitchen while the door was open, where Peter had a turkey leg in his mouth and was looking back at Lois. He then backed away from the door, removing himself from Lois's sight.

"Can you see me now?" Peter asked on the phone.

"No." Lois answered.

"Okay, now I'm at the office." Peter said.

 **End**

"Score's tied. Next basket wins." Brian said holding the ball. "Chris, you might finally beat your old man."

"What are you talking about 'old man'? I'm the white Larry Bird." Peter said getting back up and came over to Chris. "What do you got? What do you got? Huh? Huh? Come on!" Chris broke away from Peter and was about to shoot the ball into the hoop. "My mother and I are gettin' a divorce!" This, of course, caught Chris off guard and lose his concentration as the ball missed the hoop and bounced off next to it.

"You are?!" Chris asked Peter distraught over the "news".

Peter caught the ball and shot it, managing to get it into the hoop and winning the game. "YES! YES! *turns to Chris* Oh-Oh, no, we-we worked it out. *turns back to cheering* YES!"

After their game, Peter and Chris decided to take a steam bath as they were both clad in towels.

"Well, son, ya played good, but your dad is still number 1." Peter said to Chris as they entered the sauna.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll ever beat you." Chris said to Peter as he removed his towel and placed it next to him, revealing his privates to Peter.

"Hey, Chris, what's with your leg?" Peter asked Chris noticing that something didn't seem right about his leg until he realized what he was actually seeing. "Oh, my God, that's not your leg!" Peter then looked into his towel and grabbed hold of it in embarrassment from his son.

That night, Peter was groaning in the dark, still bothered about learning that Chris's penis size. Lois turned on the light to see if Peter was acting alright.

"What's wrong, honey?" Lois asked Peter.

"I'll tell you what's wrong." Peter replied. "I try to make love to you and you're thinking about Chris." Peter turned away from Lois after he gave his explanation.

"Peter, i-is there something you need to tell me?" Lois asked Peter again confused.

"Thanks to you, our son has a huge wang." Peter replied again before turning his back to Lois again.

"Thanks to me?" Lois repeated what Peter said.

"Well, he didn't get it from me!" Peter stated.

"What are you talking about?" Lois asked.

"I'll show ya." Peter told her.

Peter brought Lois to Chris's room while he was fast asleep and the both of them stopped at the right side of Chris's bed.

"Alright, stand back, Lois." Peter warned Lois as he lifted the sheet and showed her Chris's penis.

"Oh, my!" Lois exclaimed rather surprised. "Well, no wonder, he's always slouching."

"How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house." Peter asked himself dropping the sheet he was holding and turned away from Lois ashamed. "You must be so ashamed of me."

"Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts." Lois reassured Peter.

"Oh, my God!" Peter exclaimed in despair and ran out of the room.

The next night, the family was having dinner. Meg moped about what had happened at the game. Ub wanted to talk with her and clear up the misunderstanding, but he knew that Meg was too mad at him for what he did.

"Meg, you can't let those awful kids get to you." Lois said to Meg beating Ub at trying to comfort her.

"Oh, they won't!" Meg replied. "Because I'm never going back to that school again!"

"Um, Dad, after dinner, could you help me with my algebra?" Chris asked Peter.

"I'll help you out." Friz offered.

"No, Friz, he's a big man. He'll figure it out himself." Peter said to Friz.

"You know, I bet there's a part of you that really wants to be friends with them." Lois encouraged Meg.

"Maybe." Meg said warily.

"So, be nice to them. Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness." Lois contined before she turned her focus on Chris. "Chris, drink your milk. It'll make you big and strong."

"No! No more milk for him, Lois! He's had enough! Gimme that!" Peter insisted snatching the nearby carton of milk and chugging it all down.

"Oh, Megan, you must try the brisket." Stewie said to Meg cutting off a chunk of brisket on his plate. "Allow me to serve it in the manner to which you were almost accustomed." Stewie stabbed into the brisket chunk with his fork before lifting it up and throwing it at her face, reenacting how she was almost catapulted with meat. Meg, in reaction, got up and ran to her room upstairs upset. "Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool."

Stewie then fantasized himself on a stage wearing a tux and holding a lit cigarette.

"She packed my bags. Last night, pre-flight. Zero hour. 9 am. *huffs cigarette and blows out smoke* And I'm gonna be...high...as a kite...by then..." Stewie said to the camera in an imitation to William Shatner's infamous performance of the Elton John song "Rocket Man" at a 1978 science fiction film award ceremony as another of him walked up from behind him and began to sing.

 _And I think it's gonna be a long long time_

 _Till touchdown brings me round again to find_

 _I'm not the man they think I am at home_

 _Oh, no_

 _No, no_

It then showed a close-up of half of that Stewie's face, mostly on the right side while his left side was cut offscreen.

 _I'm a rocket man_

It then showed the other Stewie back on the same spot he was at before the close-up.

 _Rocket man_

 _Burning out his fuse out here_

 _Alo-_

Stewie's fantasy ended abruptly as he snapped back into reality thanks to a loud thwak on the table. It turned out that Ub had slammed a fork into the table, managing to stab into the middle of the table as if he was reaching out for the toddler. Ub showed to have a scowl on his face as he gritted his teeth and breathed heavily in anger at how Stewie had treated Meg after what she had gone through, until he calmed down a little and saw what he did as he moved his hand away from the fork stabbed into the table. Ub looked back at his hand in shock at what he just did before seeing everyone else staring at him equally as shocked as he was and after a moment, he got up from his seat and left for him and Friz's room in awkward silence. The scene went uncomfortably quiet after Ub had left.

"Should we...probably clean that up?" Friz asked breaking the silence referring to the fork left behind still stabbed into the middle of the table.

The next day, at James Woods High, the cool kids were hanging out at the parking lot around one of their friend's car.

"Hi, you guys." Meg greeted the cool kids from far away as she came over to them.

"Oh, God, it's her." One of Connie's friends said feeling immediately uncomfortable upon seeing Meg.

"Look, about the other night, we're sorry about what Ub did to you." Connie surprisingly apologized to Meg showing to feel bad about what happened at the game.

"Oh, don't worry. I'm just glad you stopped it before it would go any further. Or else he might've gone for my butt next." Meg reassured to Connie in a unusually cheerful demeanor before cracking a joke at the end, to which Connie nervously laughed a bit. "Hey, you guys want tomorrow's biology test?" Meg then pulled out the answer sheet to said biology test for the cool kids to see, much to their surprise.

"Whoa, how'd you get that?" One of the cool kids asked Meg.

"I spent the night with Mr. Burler." Meg answer.

 **Cutaway #3**

Meg's teacher, Mr. Burler, was asleep in bed wearing a garlic necklace and holding a wooden cross. Meg was sitting on a chair next to Mr. Burler's bed with a stake and hammer in her hands barely awake as she struggled to keep her eyes open, when the morning sun rose up.

Mr. Burler woke up and sighed in relief. "The sun's up. I'm safe for another night. Thanks, Meg."

 **End**

"Wow, thanks!" Connie thanked Meg.

"See ya." Meg greeted the cool kids goodbye as she walked away.

"That was kinda cool." Connie said showing to have newfound respect for Meg, along with probably the rest of her friends.

"Yeah." Connie's friend agreed.

After a moment, Connie then complained, "I'm bored."

"Hey, you wanna go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back?" One of the cool kids suggested, to which all four of them agreed and left to go do just that.

However, they were soon stopped by Ub, who was standing in their way.

"Ah, crap, it's him." One of Connie's friends said.

"What are you doing here?" Connie asked Ub.

"Look, I know you all don't want to talk to me, but could you maybe let me come to your party, Connie?" Ub asked Connie.

"What? Why?" Connie asked confused.

"Because...I want to talk to Meg about what happened at the game and clear up the misunderstanding. So, I'm begging you, please invite me to your party." Ub then explained.

Connie looked at Ub, where it looked like she came up with an idea with a smile on her face.

"Alright. You can come." Connie unexpectedly agreed.

"Really?" Ub asked surprised and satisfied.

"If you do us a favor when you arrive." Connie then stated.

"Deal." Ub reluctantly accepted Connie's offer as he and Connie shook hands.

Sometime during the weekend, the Griffins went grocery shopping at the Stop N' Shop. Peter, Lois, Brian, Stewie and Chris were currently browsing the produce section.

"Hey, Dad. Look at these little bananas." Chris said to Peter holding up plantains before letting out a laugh.

"Why, you smug little bastard!" Peter swore at Chris taking it the wrong way.

"Peter!" Lois exclaimed at Peter taking the plantains from Chris. "Chris, these are plantains and there's nothing wrong with them. In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas. Because they're exotic and flavorful and very, very special."

"Ah, yeah, sure, Lois, all the sorority girls are clamoring for the plantain section." Peter said sarcastically agreeing with Lois as he held his hand and imitated Lois talking. "Stop with thiiiis."

"Look, Peter, you're overreacting to this Chris stuff." Brian told Peter. "I mean-I mean, mine goes inside of me when I stand up. How do you think I feel?"

Peter then left still frustrated at his situation with Chris.

"Is Dad mad at me?" Chris asked worried.

"Oh, of course not, honey." Lois reassured Chris affectionately. "Now, go pick out a box of cereal with Ub and Friz and both of you meet me at the ten-inches-or-less line. Items!"

Elsewhere, a couple of women were by the dairy section where, to their shock, saw Peter strolling by confidentally, now with a large bulge in his pants.

"Nice, eh?" Peter asked the ladies, who were too disturbed to respond. "Huh? Yeah. You like this?"

The women were disgusted with Peter's behavior as they walked away from him just as Lois then stepped in.

"Stop it, Peter, you're embarrassin' me." Lois insisted to Peter. "Look, I know you're upset, but- Oh, my God. Where's Stewie?"

"He's around." Peter answered her.

"Ugh! Let me out of this stink-filled corduroy dungeon!" Stewie's voice demanded from within Peter's pants, revealed to be the bulge that Peter had been trying to impress everyone with, to Lois's horror.

"Peter, that's sick!" Lois exclaimed at Peter absolutely furious.

"It's okay, he's outside the underwear." Peter nonchalantly explained to Lois.

Some time later, Peter went to a car dealership as it showed him in a new car that he purchased with the dealer by the door.

"Enjoy your new car, Mr. Griffin." The dealer said to Peter.

"Thanks, Jim." Peter thanked the dealer as it zoomed out to show that the car he was now behind the wheel in resembled a penis. Peter drove off in his new penis-like red car through downtown before stopping at a red light next to a normal car.

"Hey. Hey, w-when you pull that thing into the garage, does the garage say: 'Is it-Is it in yet'?" Peter teased at the driver of the other car and then laughed before driving off when the light turned green.

He then came across a tunnel underneath a bridge.

"Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle." Peter said to the tunnel like he were about to have sex with it as he drove into the tunnel with his new car representing as his penis before backing out of the tunnel and going back in and rinse and repeat, imitating sex.

However, Peter's fun came to a halt when a truck crashed into him in the tunnel, smashing the long hood where it now represented him having a small penis. The truck knocked him off the road without resulting in a crash when, to his embarrassment, a bus full of gorgeous supermodels passed by, where said models laughed at the size of his "car".

"Ow. My pride." Peter lamented at his bruised pride.

Meanwhile, at the Griffin house, Lois was washing dishes in the kitchen while Stewie was in his high chair. Just then, Meg entered the kitchen happy about her day.

"Mom, you were right." Meg told her mother as she setted her backpack down on the table. "I was nice to the cool kids and they didn't spit on me. Connie D'Amico even invited me to her sweet 16."

"Oh, how wonderful!" Lois said delighted where outside the kitchen, Ub was about to enter. "Now, what time do we nail those snot-nosed punks?"

Ub heard the last part Lois said, causing him to stop in place and then lean on the kitchen door to hear more.

"Nail them? I thought you told me to win them over with kindness." Meg said to Lois confused by her mother's intentions. "And what about Ub?"

"Oh, don't worry, he's safe. What happened at the game was an accident and he was just looking out for you. And now that the kids who tried to hit you with the meat think you're their friend, it's the perfect time to exact your revenge." Lois explained.

"Revenge?" Meg asked.

"See, Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel..." Lois went on as she walked over to the oven and put on oven mittens. "...beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use one of my razor-sharp talons to rip your- *ding* -eyes out! Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?" The oven's timer dinged during Lois's statement and she pulled the tray of cookies out of the oven and placed it down on the table for them to cool. Outside the kitchen, Ub was shown to be quite shaken by Lois's threat, trying hard not to imagine what she would do to him if he were to end up hooking up with Meg. Still, though, he was at least glad that Meg would give him a chance and figured things would hopefully get better from there.

"Mm, I do!" Stewie said as he took a cookie from the tray. "B-But keep talking. All this stuff about eye-gouging has gotten me all frisky. *takes a bite out of his cookie* Really, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper."

Back with Peter, he was talking through town moping about his penis size. He soon looked up and saw a large sign that was attached to a building that he stopped right in front of. It depicted a hunter holding his rifle while a bikini-clad women sat below him and wrapped her arms around his shins. The sign also read "A REAL MAN PACKS HEAT JOIN THE NGA", referring to the National Gun Association, which was the building itself. Peter then saw the opportunity and entered inside to sign himself up.

"I'm glad you're interested in joining the National Gun Association, Peter." The NGA's manager told Peter as they walking through racks of different types of guns. "Let me show you around. This is our shooting range."

The man brought Peter to the building's shooting range, where several men were currently practicing their aim. The range also had different kinds of targets for basically everyone, including a blind man shooting at the side of a barn that was somehow in the range, a Stormtrooper from Star Wars who was shooting at a cutout of Luke Skywalker, to which he missed every shot and a referee, who shot dead center at a target above him without looking at it while standing by a pool and a swimmer dived into the water.

"And here we have our locker room with full shower facilities." The man said leading Peter to the locker room where several men were showering.

"Holy crap, they're all so... small." Peter acknowledged seeing that all the naked men had small penises.

"Well, you see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries." The man told Peter.

"Sign me up, Jack. And give me the biggest, freakin' gun you got." Peter told the man already hooked when he pulled the front of his pants and looked down inside. "Hey, Stewie, you can come out now."

Much like at the Stop 'N' Shop, Peter shoved Stewie into his pants to act as a bulge and of course, he was outside the underwear. Inside, Stewie was wearing reading glasses while carrying both a book and a flashlight.

"Ah, turn off the light. I'm reading a ghost story." Stewie told Peter.

Some time after Peter joined the NGA, he decided to do some skeet shooting in his backyard just as a flock of geese flew by and he aimed his new shotgun in the air.

"Pull!" Peter ordered as Brian threw a record in the air like a frisbee and Peter made a direct hit on it, shattering it into pieces. "Ah, yeah. Who's the big man now, eh?"

Brian reached out for another record in a box next to him and took out two. "Madonna or Janet Jackson?"

"Uh, which Janet Jackson?" Peter asked while he reloaded shells into his shotgun.

" _Velvet Rope_." Brian answered looking at the label.

"Yeah, that one. Pull!" Peter said as he then aimed his gun back into the sky ready to fire.

Brian threw the record into the sky, where it was shot to pieces.

"Peter, what the hell are you doing with that thing?" Lois asked Peter in concern while she was carrying a sack of groceries in her left arm.

"You wanna touch it?" Peter teased offering his gun to her for her to touch. "Go on. Gotta be careful though. You don't want it to get too excited and go off in your hair."

"Oh, this is pathetic." Lois remarked just as Chris and Friz stepped outside through the kitchen's screen door. "And all because you feel inadequate next to Chris."

"Don't be stupid, I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis." Peter denied Lois's claims and went back to skeet shooting.

Chris was caught by surprise by what Peter said about his penis as he looked down and felt ashamed. "I'm a freak."

"Well, don't despair. Let's just hang a tire on the end of it and head on down to the ol' swimmin' hole." Stewie suggested from behind Chris, who ran away feeling even more ashamed thanks to Stewie, who smiled at his dickishness.

"Way to make it worse." Friz sarcastically told Stewie.

Upstairs in the Griffin househouse, Meg was in her room reading on her bed just as Lois stepped in.

"Alright, listen up." Lois said to Meg as she closed the door and walked over to the latter's bed as she layed down blueprints. "Coonie D'Amico's house is two stories. Now, if we set up booby traps here, here-"

"How'd you get these blueprints?" Meg asked wondering where Lois got the blueprints to Connie D'Amico's house.

"Oh, your mother has her ways." Lois answered slyly. "She has her ways."

 **Cutaway #4**

Lois was at Quahog City Hall talking to the male secretary.

"Can I have the blueprints to the D'Amico house?" Lois asked the secretary.

"Sure, here you go." The secretary replied nonchalantly handing Lois the blueprints.

 **End**

"Now, I've put together a little flash bomb to create a diversion." Lois continued sitting down on Meg's bed and taking out said flash bomb. "I used to date the pyro guy from Whitesnake."

"What's Whitesnake?" Meg asked confused.

"That's the music mommies and daddies listen to." Lois answered before she yelled "Fire in the hole!" and pulled the cord on the flash bomb, setting it off as the screen flashed in a blinding light.

It then cut to Peter and Lois at the home of the head of the National Gun Association, who invited Peter over.

"Peter, some of the guys from the club are goin' huntin' tomorrow." The NGA head informed Peter.

"Well, count me in!" Peter eagerly accepted the invite to the hunting trip.

"Hunting? I thought you were gonna play hockey with Chris." Lois asked Peter.

"Well, you can bring him along." The head of the NGA suggested.

"Oh, no, it's too dangerous." Lois refused.

"Lois. Lois. The National Gun Association is all about safety. Especially when it comes to kids. Take a look at our new video." The head of the NGA stated to Lois taking out a TV remote and played said video on his TV.

The video was titled, "THE NGA Presents Gun Safety and You" with thrilling instrumental music playing before it then showed a man taking a nap on a couch.

"Let's face it. Your kids are gonna get into your guns. That's a fact." The video's narrator said as the man's son climbed up on the couch and took a pistol that was tucked in the father's pants as a holster. The boy then aimed the gun at his father's crotch.

It then cut to a boy sitting on top of a brick wall where the narrator, a man in a suit entered the scene. "Gun accidents can be avoided by introducing your children to guns as early as possible."

A pistol puppet rose up from behind the brick wall next to the boy, where it had eyes on top and its trigger was its mouth.

"Hi. I'm Petey the Pistol." The puppet introduced itself to the boy. "Say, you ever get lonely?"

"Yes." The boy answered to Petey.

"Me, too. Hold me." Petey the Pistol asked, to which the boy hugged him. "If you squeeze me, I make bad people go away."

It then cut to a man walking by a sidewalk, who stopped and turned to the camera.

"But, wait a minute. I thought guns were bad." The man said confused.

"False! Guns are good." The narrator answered the man where the word "False" appeared in front of the man while the background changed to black and white.

"In fact, did you know that Jesus and Moses used guns to conquer the Romans?" The narrator then asked as it showed Jesus and Moses standing on top of a sandy hill carrying machine guns and began firing at attacking Romans while the word "Dramatization" appeared at the bottom of the screen.

It then cut to a family where the mother was sitting in an armchair holding a plate of cookies, which she, her husband and two sons ate while her husband was by her side and the two sons were sitting on the floor, all three eating some of the cookies.

"So, don't remember, guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities are." The narrator stepped in and told the viewer.

Soon after he said that, a warning appeared at the bottom of the screen reading "Warning: Guns are extremely dangerous. Do not purchase, own, clean, operate, or be near guns at any time." as the video came to an end and the head of the NGA turned off the TV.

"See, Lois? They're responsible." Peter assured Lois.

The next day, Peter attended the NGA's hunting trip with both Chris and Friz invited as well.

"Hey-Hey, check it out, guys. I can write my name in the snow." Peter told Chris and Friz.

"Prove it!" Friz dared Peter, whom did just that as he fired multiple rounds into the snow, spelling his name. "I can write my name in the snow, too."

"Oh, yeah, with what? Your gun?" Peter asked Friz.

Friz then took out a pen and literally wrote his name on the snow as if it were paper.

"Smartass." Peter cursed under his breathe in defeat.

"This is fun, Dad." Chris said to Peter.

"Son, son, I-I told you. Out here in the wilderness, call me Rooster Cogburn." Peter reminded Chris as the group left to join up with the others members in the club.

"You know, Rooster, I was starting to think you didn't like me anymore." Chris said to Peter as he followed him.

"Sh, Chris, Friz, look! Tracks." Peter then hushed Chris and whispered pointing at what appeared to be tracks on the snow. "There must be a deer around here."

Peter then followed the trail while Chris and Friz took a closer look at the tracks.

"Well, those are snowmobile tracks." Chris then stated to Peter.

"*shush* There he is." Peter whispered after shushing Chris while hiding behind a tree.

The deer that Peter was referring to was actually riding on its own snowmobile. The deer was pouring itself some coffee from a thermos and took a sip.

"What the?!" Friz whispered baffled by what he saw.

Peter peeked from behind the tree, noticing that the deer didn't see him yet. He then made his move and stepped away from the tree and toward the deer. However, he stepped on a twig, which snapped, thus getting the deer's attention. The deer soon spotted Peter, dropping its thermos and started its snowmobile back up and floored out of there.

"That made no sense!" Friz exclaimed.

"Ah, such grace." Peter said admiring the deer getting away on its snowmobile. "That's the thing about hunting. You gotta be patient."

As he told Chris and Friz that, a growling noise was soon heard.

"What the hell was that?" Peter asked about the noise they just heard, which sounded like it came from behind.

The two looked behind them and found that a bear was coming right toward them, to their dismay.

Meanwhile, at Connie D'Amico's house, Ub attended Connie's Sweet 16 with her permission, where he was currently looking for Meg. He found her by a window near the front door and saw that she was talking to her mother, who was outside the window. Without nothing holding him back, he was about to approach Meg when he was stopped by Connie and her friends.

"Hey, Ub, It's time you fulfilled your end of the bargain." Connie halted Ub reminding him about their agreement.

"But...can't it wait first? I need to talk to Meg." Ub suggested.

"Oh, don't worry, you'll get to talk to her. In a bit." Connie soon said taking his hand and leading him to a closet. "Alright, now stay in here."

"Why am I staying in here?" Ub asked Connie confused. "What is the deal, exactly?"

"You'll see." Connie stated as he got him into the closet and closed the door.

Ub was left alone in the closet as he wondered what exactly did Connie want him to do.

"Hey-" Someone said in the dark, catching Ub offguard. "Whoa, whoa, chill. I'm part of the prank."

"Prank?" Ub repeated before he heard oinking. "Is there a pig in here, too?"

"Yep. And this little piggy is here for Meg's kiss." The person in the dark answered.

"Kiss?! What kiss?! Nobody told me there was gonna be a kiss." Ub said.

"Well, I guess now's a good time to tell ya." The jock informed Ub. "We're gonna have Meg think she's kissing me, but instead, she's going to kiss this pig, which we're gonna take a photo of for everyone to see."

The jock snickered at the idea of the prank, in which Ub started putting the pieces together.

"You mean Connie only invited to her party just so she could have me help you all humiliate Meg?" Ub asked the jock realizing Connie's true intentions. "But...Meg gave you guys a second chance."

"So? That doesn't mean crap to us. She's a dork." The jock said dismissing Meg's generosity.

Ub couldn't believe what he had heard. How could these kids do this to her after she gave them a second chance, she thought in his head. This caused something in him to snap as he was outraged by the cool kids' cruel prank and without even thinking, he grabbed a nearby belt and wrapped it around the jock's head to strangle him. A struggle ensued between Ub and the jock as the former was squeezing the life out of the latter until a sickening snap was heard, killing him in the process. Ub let go of the belt that he used to strangle the jock with and just stood there still fuming, not noticing Meg entering the closet.

"There you are." Meg said in front of Ub.

Ub then felt Meg's hands on his cheeks and soon, he felt something made contact with his lips. The door opened with Connie and friends shown snickering believing Meg was kissing the pig, but soon gasped in shock when they saw it was something else: Meg was instead locking lips with Ub, who was shown to be just as surprised as the cool kids as he found himself unintentionally making out with the girl of his dreams. Meg soon opened her eyes and found she was kissing Ub as she screamed in horror and ran out of the closet. Ub didn't say anything still entranced by the moment, until he snapped back into reality and went after Meg.

"Meg, wait!" Ub called out to Meg, who ran out of the house and got into her mom's car.

"Mom, he did it again! And this time, it was him kissing me in the closet!" Meg told her mother in tears.

"What?!" Lois exclaimed at what she heard Meg say as she spotted Ub running over to the car.

Lois then drove off, leaving Ub stranded there.

"OH, MY GOD! DOUG IS DEAD!" Connie D'Amico screamed in horror from inside the house.

Ub soon remembered that she was referring to the jock in the closet that he strangled to death. Without thinking, he fleed from the scene before anyone could contact the police.

Back in the woods, the bear was approaching Peter and Chris.

"Don't worry, boys, I'll handle the bear." Peter said cocking his shotgun and aiming it at the bear. "Say hello to Satan for me!"

Unfortunately, the bear knocked the shotgun off Peter's hands, thus leaving him defenseless. Peter screamed as his life flashed before his eyes, starting on the day he was born.

"It's a boy, Mrs. Griffin." The doctor told a much younger Thelma Griffin, Peter's mother holding the newborn Peter.

It then flashed forward to when Peter was a boy, where Thelma was outside talking to a doctor.

"I'm afraid the fever has affected his motor skills, Mrs. Griffin." The doctor told Thelma, to her dismay.

It then flashed forward to Peter, still as a boy, sitting with his mother, who was talking to his teacher.

"Looks like he'll have to repeat fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin." The teacher told Thelma.

It cut to the same scene, but with a more older Peter.

"Looks like he'll have to repeat fourth grade, Mrs. Griffin." A different teacher told Thelma.

Then, it cut to Peter, now as a young adult, sitting in a doctor's office with a nurse talking to him.

"The only way to get rid of them is with this special shampoo and a tiny comb, Mr. Griffin." The nurse informed Peter holding up said items.

It then cut to another of Peter's elementary school teachers looking real proud of his student.

"Congratulations. You've passed the fourth grade, Mr. Griffin." Peter's teacher congratulated Peter, who was now the present adult version of him.

"Ah, great." Peter said shaking his teacher's hand. "Listen, I gotta leave, though. I'm goin' huntin' with my son."

It then flashed back to Peter about to be attacked by the bear.

"Dad, me and Friz know what to do! We saw it on FOX's When Bears Attack!." Chris told Peter after he and Friz got in front of him and started waving their arms at the bear. "Go away! Go on, get! Stay tuned for an all-new _Ally McBeal_!"

"This Thursday night 7/6 c on ABC!" Friz then said.

This worked as Chris and Friz's actions managed to intimidate the bear, causing it to wander away from the three.

"Holy crap! Chris, Friz, that was amazing!" Peter said to both Chris and Friz impressed. "I mean, I-I just froze up. But...you two handled that bear like real men!" Peter then patted each of them on the shoulder. "I'm proud of ya, boys."

"You are? 'Cause me and Friz heard what you said about my huge... *looks down at his crotch* ...you know." Chris told Peter.

"Oh." Peter replied before realizing what Chris meant. "Oh, y-you heard that, huh? Well, I-I was just bein' stupid." Peter then sat down on a nearby log as he told Chris and Friz, who soon joined him. "Take it from me, that thing you got there is a blessing. I mean-I mean, e-every guy you see with a big house or a fancy car or a shiny gold tooth is really just sayin', 'Don't look at my penis'. But you'll never have to worry about that."

"Thanks, Dad. You're the best!" Chris thanked his father.

The three got up from the stump and then left to go back home.

"You know, Dad. I just realized something. Your name's Peter." Chris said to Peter.

Peter laughed at Chris's joke. "You're right, it is. Peter." Peter laughed some more before being joined by Chris and Friz as the three continued their trek back to the car.

Back at the Griffin home, Lois was trying to comfort Meg in the living room, who was still upset about accidentally making out with Ub, who just so happen to return from Connie's party.

"You son of a bitch! I thought you actually cared for Meg, but I guess you really aren't to be trusted!" Lois berated Ub.

"Mrs. Griffin, that wasn't what you and Meg think it was." Ub tried to explain.

"Don't you lie to me, young man. Meg was right there when she saw you tricking her into kissing her." Lois berated Ub some more.

"Yeah, but Connie and her friends were the ones who put me in there. They were trying to prank you, Meg." Ub explained further.

"I don't believe you." Meg told off Ub.

"It's the truth!" Ub reasoned. "They were going to trick you into kissing a pig instead of that guy you thought you were gonna kiss and even take a picture of it."

"Well, I figured they would pull something like that. Luckily, I called in a friend to scar them for life." Lois said somewhat believing Ub, but not entirely. Just then, the phone rang and Lois answered it. "Hello? Oh, hi, Glenn. How did it go at the house I sent you? What do you mean there were police investigating the place? Somebody WHAT?!" Lois's expression sank, replaced with horror as she turned to Ub before hanging up.

"Mom...what's going on?" Meg asked Lois herself starting to feel uneasy about the shift in atmospheric tone. "What happened?"

"There was a crime scene at Connie D'Amico's house. One of her classmates was found dead in the closet." Lois revealed, to Meg's shock. "Ub, tell me you didn't actually do what I think you did..."

Ub didn't respond, but from his guilty look, Lois knew that it was true.

"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed in horror at the revelation.

"I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know what came over me, I was so mad at how they would do that to Meg that I just...I-I just..." Ub then sat down on the couch, in which Meg got off of her spot on it and came over to Lois out of fear and was feeling large amounts of grief and regret over his actions as he placed his hands over his face.

It was that moment that Peter, Chris and Friz returned home and entered the living room through the front door.

"Hey, Lois, the boys and I are back from our trip. Funny story, actually. We were attacked by a bear, but then Chris and Friz scared it off all by themselves." Peter said to Lois telling her about what had happened to them. "But enough about our day, what's been going on with you guys?"

Ub was about to confess to Peter, Chris and Friz about his crime, but Lois covered his mouth from behind.

"Uh, n-n-nothing, really. Things were just normal as usual while you boys were gone." Lois lied about what happened earlier today.

"Oh, alright, then. Let me know when dinner starts." Peter said as he, Chris and Friz left the room, leaving Lois, Ub and Meg alone in the living room, to which Lois uncovered Ub's mouth.

"Mrs. Griffin, why didn't you tell Mr. Griffin about what I did?" Ub asked Lois confused by her action.

"Now, Ub, I don't think we need to bring Mr. Griffin into this. We've all had a very stressful day and I think maybe it's best that we keep this whole incident to ourselves."

"What?! But...Mrs. Griffin, I just-" Ub tried to reason with Lois.

"No. I don't want to hear it." Lois shushed Ub. "This will be our little secret. Okay?"

Still shocked at Lois's sudden behavior, Ub and Meg reluctantly decided to follow Lois's idea as they nodded yes, to Lois's satisfaction.

"Good. Now I'm going to get dinner ready." Lois said going into the kitchen to cook for dinner.

It was clear that they were shaken by this whole thing, but Ub was the most traumatized out of it. He sat back down on the couch, utterly speechless and horrified by what had just happened and forced to carry the secret of having taken a life.

 **The End**


End file.
